Why Boys Don't Talk - and Why it Matters

The authors have written a good book, if one were looking only at the technical aspects of writing, i.e., grammar, spelling, punctuation, etc., and there are many interesting pieces of information, but the book is also very flawed. Ironically, its flaw is its difficulty with communication its main premise, as the authors keep beating around the bush and going off on interesting tangents that are nonetheless barely relevant to their topic. The book is supposed to be about why boys have trouble communicating, and the negative ramifications of this problem. The book starts off heading in the right direction, gets lost, tries to re-find itself, gets lost again, and then makes a weak attempt to pull itself back together. An analysis of the chapters should clarify what I mean.

The first three chapters are "Why Boys Don't Talk and Why It Matters," "A New Vision: Individuation and Connection," and "New Challenges for Building Connections." In these chapters, the authors went about the task of setting the table for their premise, that our expectations and stereotypes about boys, boyhood, adolescence, masculinity, and growing up into men, are inadvertently discouraging boys from communicating about many topics, and leaving boys unnecessarily weak in their ability to talk about feelings, relationships, and anything related to those topics. They point out that many people incorrectly see only two outcomes for boys as they grow up: they stay too connected to and dependent upon their families and do not mature, or they cut themselves off from their families in order to attain independence, thus ending up alone in a vacuum of support. The authors begin discussing the concept of "interdependence" as a third, healthy option, as it allows boys to move into adulthood with relationships with their family that remain close, but have changed qualitatively. I was really beginning to like the book, at this point.

At this point, the authors veered away from their topic almost completed, and got lost in a miasma of statistics, unsupported statements, meaningless recitations of lists of studies, and unconnected semi-hypotheses, all involving the stereotypes of masculinity and the issues of racism and how boys are discriminated against at school, at home, in society, and in just about every arena of life. These are important topics, but the authors make only cursory attempts to connect all of these issues to "Why Boys Don't Talk - and Why It Matters." The chapters involved are: "The Veil of Masculinity," "What Statistics Tell Us," "Focus on Adolescent Males of Color," "A Work in Progress," and "Somewhere Between Superhero and Geek."

Just as I was about to throw in the towel, the authors again changed directions. However, it turned out to be just some new tangents. "The Debate About Nature Versus Nurture" is a synopsis of the historical debate regarding the respective roles of genetics and environment on determining personality and behavior, ending with the completely-not-novel conclusion that the two factors are inseparable and interwoven and the person must be viewed as a whole.

Next, we get "Historical Perspective: The Myth of 'the Good Old Days'" wherein the authors posit that we have idealized the 1950's and hold a nostalgia for an era that was not what we think it was. They proceed to make a case for the idea that the single-parent family is equal to, and might even be superior to, the two-parent family. How does this relate to the communication problems of today's boys? I think there might be some connection, but you won't find it in this book. Also, in my nineteen years as a therapist working with low-income families, I have met many single-parent families where the parent was struggling to avoid being overwhelmed, while simultaneously dealing children's common fantasies about how life would be better if they could live with their other parent.

In the last two chapters, "Strategies for Parents: A Baker's Dozen" and "The Power of Connection," the authors rediscover their topic. The first of these describes a set of very good but oft-stated common-sense ideas about building good family relationships and encouraging good communication. The last chapter serves as a good summary of the topic-relevant material in the book.

The authors then give us a set of appendices providing a lot of good resources and information, most of which are related to the middle chapters of the book that are not strongly connected to the premise of the book.

My advice: If you have to read this book, and improving parent-son communication is what you seek, read the first three chapters and the last two chapters.

We heard the authors on a radio talk show and immediately bought the book. We needed help in communicating with our teenage son and the strategies and insights in this book profoundly altered our perspective. We have since bought the book for friends who also have teenage sons and everyone has had the same positive experience. This is a terrific book and it can really make a difference.

I really enjoyed the helpful suggestions and strategies that I read in Why Boys Don't Talk. The authors make it very clear, that boys don't need to be like girls in order to become more connected to family and friends. I agree that by focusing on boys, we are not forgetting girls. Teaching both boys and girls to be emotionally intelligent is a win win for both. I initially heard the authors being interviewed on the radio. I enjoyed hearing them talk about the subject and found that they write as well as they speak.I must admit that I have referred back to my copy many times since the first time I read it.

One of the authors is "a nationally acclaimed gender equity specialist" and the other has a masters degree from an ed school. Yikes! Those credentials are enough to raise doubts as to whether the book will actually celebrate boys, or join in the popular boy-bashing trend. Indeed, goodly chunks of the book suggest how to get boys to "connect" emotionally, in other words, to be more like girls. But a major clue is the book's treatment of school. A handful of pages are devoted to reciting the now well-known litany of the facts concerning awful performance of boys in schools: poor reading records, grades below those of girls in every subject but math and science, worse graduate rates, the vanishing occurrence of boys on college campuses, and the massive amount of Ritalin dispensed to boys. The authors respond to this list with the usual groundless claims, things like boys are more active and therefore need more activity in schools. But as when delivered by many other authors as well, such "explanations" fail to note that the performance of boys has collapsed over time -- it did not used to be this bad! The clear implication is that we cannot simply suffice with explanations blaming supposed inherent defects in boys (as feminist die-hards would prefer). Instead, we must look for exogenous causes for what has happened to our boys -- in other words, what has changed in the environment that is hurting boys? The obvious nexis of the problem is schools, where in the last few decades progressivist/constructivist theories have devasted traditional instructional approaches. Instead of immersing children in a basis of a solid, fact-based understanding of the world, we now ask them for touchie-feelie essays on how they feel about obscure topics they've been taught nothing about. By emphasizing chattiness (a clear advantage for girls), we've sent our boys into a tailspin. You won't find a word about this in this book. For the real story, look for sources such as the Illinois Loop website, in discussing gender bias issues.