Thank You for Arguing: What Aristotle, Lincoln, and Homer Simpson Can Teach Us About the Art of Persuasion

When couples come to me for marriage counseling, they typically violate Heinrichs' most elementary principles. After reading this book, I realize that an important aspect of my counseling has been teaching rhetoric--the art of polite arguing.

For most couples, the idea of arguing politely seems like a joke or at least a myth until they learn to do it. The book will help with your understanding, but probably won't be enough to provide actual marriage help to put anger management into practice.

Heinrichs' style of writing makes rhetoric easy to learn, and some people will be able to put it into practice just using the book. However, in my experience with marriage counseling, I find that couples need practical exercises to make the process really easy and natural in everyday life.

You should know that my first copy was from the library. Half-way through, I realized I wanted my own copy. Then, when I was reading my own copy, I noticed my bookmark was mysteriously changing. The mystery was solved when my 22-year-old son announced he had been reading it and wanted to "borrow" it--and now I am buying my second copy.

Heinrichs has a light and humorous style. He brings stories from his own life, and he makes very complex concepts understandable through modern-day examples. I recommend this book for anyone wanting to improve his or her relationships.

This book review will be sent to the publication we get because we are a leader couple with ACME (Association for Couples in Marriage Enrichment). We've done a book review or two and have been asked to do more, so this review will be geared toward the audience of other couples leading marriage retreats.
On a whim, I picked up the book Thank You for Arguing: What Aristotle, Lincoln, and Homer Simpson Can Teach Us About the Art of Persuasion by Jay Heinrichs after hearing an interview with the author on NPR. As I read through the book, I found more and more example of skills that we can utilize in the weekend retreats for married couples. The quote at the beginning of the book aptly describes the benefit of conflict in marriage: Truth springs from argument among friends. -David Hume I can't think of any more fitting picture of healthy argument, especially in marriage.
As Mr. Heinrichs points out, the point of argument is consensus, not winning. Good argument is respectful, even if heated. Mr. Heinrichs mentions the research of Dr. John Gottman at the University of Washington who showed that successful couples didn't argue less often, but in a different way and with a different purpose than unsuccessful couples. He guesses that the happy couples seduced (he calls it good manipulation) each other with the full knowledge of both parties. People who fight will often win the battle, but lose the war.
He gives valuable skills for successful argument. According to Aristotle, all issues boil down to blame, values, and choice. Blame is based on the past and is least useful. Values are about the present and generally end with people bonding or separating. These can be moral values, or just preferences. Choice is about the future and about action. This is the "What do we want from this?" issue and the one most useful for resolving conflict.
Mr. Heinrichs gives some good advice for handling conflict and maintaining marital harmony simultaneously. He reminds us that "winning an argument may not be your best goal. Relationships and values occasionally trump the advantageous and a rational decision." Also, "many arguments fail simply because of bad timing." He recommends setting, or at least waiting for, a favorable mood before launching into discussion of an issue. He recommends fostering good will with such phrases as "What do you need?" He advocates using "code words" in relationships to foster a feeling of being the only two in a very exclusive club. These code words can even be used to diffuse tense situations by helping both spouses feel that they are on the same side.
Mr. Heinrichs also gives some warnings about improper techniques of argument. One is to never block the argument so that no solution can be reached. He warns against making threats, creating negative labels, or rejecting choices out of hand. He reminds us that "A person who desires something is especially susceptible to anger," and the poor and sick are also prone to anger. If you really want a person to become angry, belittling them will do it very efficiently. He states that "In most cases, there is no right or wrong decisions in argument."
I would recommend this book to any couple leading other couples in dialogue. If you're not interested in reading the whole book, the best chapters with regard to marriage are chapters 1, 2, 3, 18, 19, and 21. Mr. Heinrichs uses many examples from his own marriage and kids on how to successfully use the techniques he teaches. The book is very entertaining and engaging. On a final note, he observes that people who are skilled at argument are not easily offended or beguiled, and isn't that what we all need in marriage and in life?

An excellent book! Many extra tidbits of knowledge. Very well organized. Overall inspiring!

I would recommend this book to anyone who is interested in Public Speaking or persuasive writing. Heinrichs keeps his readers interested in everything he has to say through the use of real-world and pop culture references. Random bits of information in the margins keep every page interesting and well worth your time.

This is a great book if you like the subject matter. But don't think you are going to walk away ready to put all this into practice in your next public address or debate with a recalcitrant teen. Keep in mind the author's subtle point that the book effectively represents a summary session on a discipline that is thousands of years old. Not that you won't have fun trying it out though.