That's Not What I Meant!

That's Not What I Meant! Is a must read for anyone, whether you are gregarious and get along with everyone or if you are constantly at the center of disagreements.

This isn't a how to book to solve all your conversational woes. Honestly, I would never expect something so simple as a step-by-step guide for something as complex as conversation. Considering that, Deborah Tannen does an excellent job of showing just how complex a simple conversation can be and how things can go wrong despite everyone's best intentions.

This is the only one of Deborah Tannen's books that I have read. And it is the perfect mix of all relevant conversations that most people encounter in their lives. From talking with teenagers to business conversations to gripes from long-time spouses.

The result of reading this book has especially helped me feel more comfortable about my conversation skills. Before I read this book, I thought I was the only one that was no good at getting my intentions across clearly, but now that I have learned that confusion is inevitable I finally believe everyone that has said that I'm actually pretty normal and surprisingly flexible in my style (most likely because I was so hard on myself before). It also gave me some ideas on how to better get along with some of the people that I previously thought were too pushy or quiet etc.

I just finished this book for the first time(I'm planning on reading it again) and I am still absorbing much of the content. But I already feel as if I have gained a new understanding of the past misconceptions-turned-verbal-fights that I have had with friends and family. I'm planning on giving it to my parent's to read (their conversational styles are very different and they get into a lot of needless bickering matches because of it).

I think this book is a great step into metacognition (thinking about thinking) and becoming more introspective (Looking inside yourself) for the purpose of being conscious of things that are subconscious and that you take for granted.

This is a great book if you and your spouse are fighting over very minor things. Or if people take you the 'wrong way' when you say something.

Deborah Tannen's That's Not What I Meant: How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships (NY: Ballantine Books, c. 1986) addresses the totality of personal relationships; she suggests that all communication, to a degree, is cross-cultural. Thus the study of language--linguistics--may help us form and preserve more healthy relationships.
Too often we assume that if we try to speak honestly and share our feelings, communication takes place. Unfortunately, we can be mutually unintelligible in our honesty! "The belief that sitting down and talking will ensure mutual understanding and solve problems is based on the assumption that we can say what we mean, and that what we say will be understood as we mean it. This is unlikely to happen if conversational styles differ" (p. 116).
Unless we learn how to speak and listen accurately, we may never understand what others are actually saying. There's a difference, for example, between transmitting information and establishing an atmosphere of politeness, both of which may be accomplished through conversation.
For the real "meaning" within a conversation resides in its "metamessage" rather than its apparent details. So we enshroud our words with signals, linguistic devices which serve as defense mechanisms as well as facilitate the frequently indirect messages we want heard. The tone of voice, the length of pauses, facial expressions, the use of questions, "ritual complaining," jokes, teasing, all add texture to the metamessages of the most ordinary of conversations.
Some of the most important metamessages which frame conversations deal with "power and solidarity." Titles we use--Doctor, Professor--carry their own message. Whether or not we address a person by his first or last name sets parameters to what's sayable in a conversation. To try to establish solidarity, through the use of first names, where the relationships are clearly power-based, undercuts the legitimacy of the relationships.
Thus, "Trying to be 'just folks' when you're not can seem hypocritical and provoke resentment when authority rears its head--for example, when a doctor insists that a patient or nurse follow his instructions about medical procedures. And teachers who encourage displays of solidarity find themselves squarely in the power camp when they have to assign grades or make decisions about placement" (p. 99). Parenthetically: my students seem to instinctively realize this. Parents must be parents! "Parents who try to talk or dress like their teenage children are often chided by the children for doing it all wrong. What the children may be objecting to, at heart, is that their parents are claiming membership in a group they don't really belong to--invoking
unjustified solidarity" (p. 101). Similarly, the man who calls a female co-worker "honey," imagining the word might establish solidarity with her, insults her--though his wife may find the term endearing.
Tannen has a probing chapter on criticism: "The Intimate Critic." Finally, she offers advice on learning to speak and listen more adequately, helping us think more clearly about the whole communicative process.

Read ALL of her books. They are so informative. I use this book, in particular, every day. Not only about sex differences in language use, this book also talks about regional differences and misunderstandings. My husband is from New York, and my family is from Virginia, and this book solved the problem of MANY misunderstandings we used to have about directness and speed of communication. HIGHLY recommended!

i got this book for a class and ended up reading almost the whole book!
Aggod book