[RonBee]

Originally Posted by jena07

Hi ,

I know my admission essay needs alot of work and I was wondering if you guys could help.

Say:

I know my admissions essay needs a lot of work (or "a great deal of work")....

Originally Posted by jena07

In 2000, my father was diagnosed with complete kidney failure, resulting in him going on dialysis three times a week, until he received a kidney in 2002. Realizing the potential fate of my father from that point on I vowed that I would become a doctor, a veterinarian in fact so that I could do research in organs so that no one will ever have to go through what my family went through. So I decided to achieve a degree in biology, so that I may one day go to veterinary school.

Not bad.

Originally Posted by jena07

As my undergraduate preceded me I realized that I became more interested in the social aspects of my studies, then science aspects of it.

I am afraid I don't understand "As my undergraduate preceded me". The word "studies" is plural.

Originally Posted by jena07

When my professor were speaking of the molecular aspects of the cell, its physiology, I only perked up upon hearing about vaccinations and how they have helped the world or the history of the diseases and how public health officials have eradicated these diseases.

Say:

When my professors were speaking of the molecular aspects of the cell--its anatomy and physiology--I only perked up upon hearing about vaccinations and how they have helped the world and the history of diseases and how public health officials have eradicated those diseases.