 Re: grammar check!
I read the poem, and it's quite evocative. One can imagine being a cloud floating over a field of daffodils.
As for your revision, well, naturally, I prefer my suggestion. Of course, sooner or later you are going to have to be the one to decide what words to use. In the end you will have to decide what you feel most comfortable with. As for what I prefer, it would be him rather than his deep mind. (I am sure what the one means, but I am not at all sure what the other means.)
I can tell you what I prefer, but you have to make the final decision. (Thus my oft-asked question: What do you think?)
~R |