Well, I thought I sent a reply, but maybe I was not logged in.
Hi! I found this site by accident. I'm taking a course in teaching English in a foreign country, and I plan to go to China or some other Asian country. I thought I'd answer you because you sounded like you needed it, and because I thought it would be good practice for me. So...
1) Watch your punctuation. Your title and other sentences use a comma (,) between two different thoughts, instead of a period (.) Your title should not have a comma before "is". Either you can use a colon (:) and 2 spaces where the comma is (which implies the second half of the sentence elaborates on the first part), or put a period before 'is' and capitalize it as "Is" in order to show it is a new sentence.
2) ... talking to one of my friends... then ... how to promote ourself. Using "ourself" makes it sound as though you and your friend are one person. It sould be "ourselves" or "oneself". Using "oneself" implies an anonymous person or persons, which can refer to more than one person.
Also you say, "Different position...". It should be either "
A different position..." or "Different position
s", depending on whether you are talking about one position or more than one. This is a frequent error in English, so check over your whole essay to be sure you have the singular or plural used correctly.
Make sure you use paragraphs when you change subjects, and always double space when you start a new paragraph. You can also indent the first word of a new paragraph with five (5) spaces, but that is a style and is not necessary in most cases. You did pretty well with this, but didn't double space, which makes it hard to tell that you mean to change to a new paragraph.
3) Watch your verb use. Some verbs are necessary and others aren't. A case in point: you don't need the verb "be" in "...and never be lose your heart...". "...never lose your heart..." is ok because "lose" is a verb by itself and doesn't need a helping verb like "be". If you want to use "be", you could say "...never be sick at heart...", but that's not exactly the same as "losing heart", which implies giving up because you feel so bad.
I know English has many quirks (strange, contradictory rules), and it is very difficult to learn.
But, all in all, you did a good job. And it is a very good essay.
Good luck!
marimia