Welcome to the forums!
Firstly, you say you have done your homework and only want someone to correct it - but you have left French phrases in it. You must make the effort to find a suitable phrase in English.
Secondly, please read your work before posting it. There are misspellings which look like carelessness.
Thirdly, redo this, breaking it into reasonable paragraphs, sorting out your French to English phrases, and making sure you have read it through properly.
Then we might be able to help
