[RonBee]

Let's have fun!

Originally Posted by namthao

Dear (Mr./Ms) RonBee,

I am an English student, and I learn to correct the first paragraph. I wonder would you please criticize my work. I appreaciate and thank you.

"When I was choosing the theme that I would write about I was decided it had to be something from science, especially from physics. I am interested in physics so I started to search on the internet and found the article that isn’t so fresh but I was captured by it. On the other hand the article isn’t as shock as it seems. Nowadays in the science there are many fascinating researches so why not plastic semiconductors? There are many developed technologies in chemistry, molecular physics or solid state physics and they are extremely studied. Especially in the world these researches are financed a lot."


When choosing the theme that I would write about, I was decided it was something bout science, especially from physics. I am interested in physics, so I started searching on the internet and finding it out. This article wasn’t so fresh nor was it as shock as it seemed, but I was interested in it. Nowadays, the world costs a lot of money for many fascinating researches study about science, why they study about molecular physics or solid state physics, but they don't study and research about plastic semiconductors?

Again, many thanks for your time

NamThao

Let's look at the first sentence.

When I was choosing the theme that I would write about I was decided it had to be something from science, especially from physics.

There are two words that need to be taken out of that sentence. We will improve it by removing those words, thus:

When I was choosing the theme that I would write about I decided it had to be something from science, especially physics.

The writer decided that he wanted to write about science, especially physics.

The second sentence:

I am interested in physics so I started to search on the internet and found the article that isn’t so fresh but I was captured by it.

Was he captured by the article? No, more likely he was captivated by it. Let's try:

I am interested in physics, so I searched the Internet and found an article that isn't very fresh, but I was captivated by it.

The writer found an article that isn't very new, but he is very interested in it.

(So far, so good, huh?)


The third sentence:

On the other hand the article isn’t as shock as it seems.

We have been given no reason to expect the article to be shocking. That sentence contributes nothing. I say we take it out.

The fourth sentence:

Nowadays in the science there are many fascinating researches so why not plastic semiconductors?

Now we know that research isn't normally pluralized. We could say "There is much fascinating research going on in many fields" but we don't want to go astray. Simpler is probably better. Let's try:

The article was about something you might not have heard of: plastic semiconductors.

The next sentence:

There are many developed technologies in chemistry, molecular physics or solid state physics and they are extremely studied.

I don't have a problem with "developed technologies", but or needs to be replaced by and and extremely needs to be replaced. (The phrase "extremely studied" doesn't make sense to me.) Let's try:

There are many developed technologies in chemistry, molecular physics and solid state physics and they are extensively studied.

The next sentence is practically an extension of the previous one.

Especially in the world these researches are financed a lot.

That sentence doesn't make sense as is, but I can figure out what the writer intended to say. Let's try:

A great deal of money is invested in research in those fields.

Now, when we put all the sentences together into one paragraph we get:

When I was choosing the theme that I would write about I decided it had to be something from science, especially physics. I am interested in physics, so I searched the Internet and found an article that isn't very fresh, but I was captivated by it. The article was about something you might not have heard of: plastic semiconductors. There are many developed technologies in chemistry, molecular physics and solid state physics and they are extensively studied. A great deal of money is invested in research in those fields.

There!