Originally Posted by David L.  THIS IS A DUPLICATE POST, also listed as Please dit my article, to which I responded:
We set off by bike to Talakona, about 76Km from Tirupati. Though I stayed in Chittoor Dt during my engineering studies,
(choose the right noun here)
somehow I missed visiting this famous waterfall.
destination: use if Talakona is a town, and the waterfall is nearby. It Talakona is the waterfall itself, then omit 'destination'
Last weekend, I was glad that I visited this place in the afternoon.
You say you were glad your visit was in the afternoon, then proceed to extol the magnificence of the morning! Where does the relief that your visit was in the afternoon (implying, thank God we didn't go in the morning) come into it?
To every nature lover, it may be clear that nature is at its best in the morning. You may wonder what makes one to spend time amidst nature early in the morning.
So - you are presuming I AM NOT A NATURE LOVER!!(lol) It is clear to nature lovers, but 'you' (I) may be wondering...because of course, you don't know what we nature lovers know. So.....Perhaps these two sentences need rethinking.
Birds twitter to welcome sunrise and there is a feeling of freshness about the morning.
Though it was late in the morning when we were on the way to Talakona, as we moved through Tirupati National Park, which we had to cross before going to Talakona, we were mesmerized by the twittering (-omit. You have used this word in the previous sentence, and 'a twitter' and 'a bird cry' are very different ...ou can't have a twitteering cries..) cries of birds and the shady trees in full blossom on either side of the road.
Do you mean here that even though it was late in the morning, the birds were still twittering etc just like they do in early morning?? these sentences need restructuring I think.
I went mad as I was on alert and sensed the smell of paddy crop at one village.
I'm not sure exactly what you mean. I think you mean you felt a surge of excitement ...but 'on alert' ? - can you explain this in simple words, as I can't grasp how this relates to the smell of paddy crops?
On arriving at Talakona, we found/visited/viewed (you need some verb here - it would be too colloquial and gushy to say, 'we just had to' see)
the darshan of Lord Shiva (at Talakona-omit).
The Shiva linga has three sparkling stone-studded namas . Luckily, there was not a great flood of devotees, so I was able to have a close look at the Shiv lingam. After having darshan, we went to see some giant trees on the premises that reminded me of those at Mahanadhi
On our way to the waterfall (location-omit), there was a path off to the left. As we took that path, we came across a narrow lane with large/huge trees on either side[color="Red"],with deep roots into the hillocks. At one spot, I was dumbfounded to see the roots clearly spread across the rocks. The path had
an ambience of pure tranquility. As I went ahead, I found the waterfall. There are two big rocks with one rock in between. Behind these rocks lay a smaller waterfall . I stepped into the coolness of its crystal clear water.
As I gazed into the waters, I could see clearly the stones and peepal leaves lying on the bottom.
I called to my pal to experience the beauty beneath the waters (that I had discovered).
As he came over, he asked me to see the swimming fish. - there is a jump here. He's coming over to see what you want him to show him, and then he's showing you fish. Where are they? Are they in the same water but you hadn't seen them??
No sooner had I caught sight of them than they started biting/nipping at my feet. I simply let them do it.
After some time, we happened to see a path near the pond and as I followed it, I started ascending a hill, only to discover the beauty of some boulders on the hill opposite. All of a sudden,
drizzle poured
Sorry. drizzle drizzles and rain pours! 'drizzle' = very light rain falling in very fine drops
so I descended the hill carefully. There, I sat on a
twig : = a slender woody shoot growing from a branch or stem of a tree. You could pick it up with two fingers. I think you mean 'log'
only then to see cube-shaped rocks .
I wonder at how much one needs utmost concentration in order to see all the wonder of creation, especially (when we are-omit) in the forest.
The problem here is that we have used 'wonder' twice - in the original, as 'wonder' and 'wonderful'. How about:
I was caught by surprise to realize just how much one needs utmost concentration to really appreciate all the wonder of creation, especially (when we are-omit) in the forest.
A person has simply to wander, free of mind, to experience joy in the realm of nature.
Our next stop was to see the biggest attraction of Talakona, which means 'waterfall from a big mountain'. Unfortunately, we could not go to the place where, at half way up the mountain, the real force of the waterfall could be experienced. We decided to stay at the foot of the hill; and I bathed contentedly in the pond. I chanced upon s mall waterfall nearby and stood, swaying gently beneath it, letting the force of the water cascade upon each part of my body. ( and I could not forget this natural bath. -omit)
As I was moving away from the waterfall (location-omit), I noticed on old woman playing music on her mrudangam-like instrument.
A young child approached her to dance in tune with the music. His brother joined in the dance as their parents gazed, simple witness to the happiness of children dancing. The old woman too was all smiles, her efforts rewarded with rupees. Small joys of life are to be shared as chance brings them.
On our homeward way, I enjoyed the fullness of the blossomed trees, and the sight of streams. When next I return, however, I will be sure to reach there by 7:00 a.m. to listen to the music of birds in the company of trees. Jungle bells at Talakona thrill only the perceptive .
Note:
1. It can be difficult to find the appropriate expressions to use, when in prose, we wax lyrical (=enthuse) about nature. I found it difficult as it's not really my style, so don't be discouraged by the red - they are just suggestions, alternative ways you could express these thoughts.
2. Watch. You tend to change tense when it is not required - you are writing in the past tense but occasionally slip and used the present tense eg I saw...I see
3. Always think whenever you use a NOUN - what definite or indefinite article do I use, 'a' or 'the'? It is far less frequent that no article is required. |