Teachers out there please feel free to correct me or jump in to help HarakiriBlade. I’m also an
ESL student just like others. Here is what I think:
The original passage is a very poor writing if that was a paragraph of an essay. It’s more like a note to help her/him talk in front of others in an
ESL class. I didn’t really go into deep analysis to make it a good paragraph since the origin itself lacks of a lot of supporting details to back up for what he/she said. So, to edit this passage, we need to ask for more information from the writer.
It’s obvious that the writer didn’t really intend to talk about Handbok only. In fact, He just generally mentioned about it and other styles. So “(Today) I'd like to talk about traditional Korean clothes, Hanbok” should be used only if you were to talk aobut “Hanbok” only
1. Clothes(plural) and Clothing basically have the same meaning. However, clothing are more general (clothes, dress, covering...). There’s nothing wrong with using either of them. But I would use clothing just because it sounds more naturally to me.
2. Don’t use neither “a” nor “the” because you’re actually saying generally about traditional Korean clothing, not any specific one. Even Koreans don’t know what type(s) of traditional clothing that you’re going to talk about.
3. Using “Special occasions” is better than “special holidays” because it has broader meaning than the other.
4. “It tends to limit movement” is better if compared to mine “...inconvenient for daily activities” because it states clearly what made people feel uncomfortable (it limits movement) while mine only states in general. And no, don’t use “s” after “movement”
5. I would say “a modified version, Sangwa ranbok, was designed (or created) to accommodate their needs” sounds better