The second one is not so good. There are many problems with word selection, especially the use of the definite article (the). As an example, let me look at the first paragraph.
Quote:
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As a prophet said, there are two kinds of jobs that will never disappear, no matter how the world will change in the future. One is just teacher. That’s right! Although in today’s society, the computer is more and more popular, the role that teacher plays in education remains irreplaceable.
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- As a prophet said, there are two kinds of jobs that will never disappear, no matter how much the world will change in the future.One is teacher. That’s right! Although in today’s society, the computer is becoming more and more popular, the role that the teacher plays in education remains irreplaceable.
To mean teachers in general you can say
the teacher or you can say
teachers.
You mentioned that you got nine band for the first one and six band for the second one. Does that refer to your grade?
:)