proofread scholarship

[morgan.thomas]

I am applying for a college scholarship and I need to write a 250 personal statement. I need to know whether this says enough about me and doesn't seem like I am asking for pity. I have proofread it but I probably missed some errors. Any comments would be GREATLY appreciated.

Thanks


I have stopped trying to rephrase it in any other way: my mom is dying from cancer. It’s true that none of my family members have explicitly told me, but I honestly have no faith in them to do so. I have been coddled all my life. Since preschool my family has managed to keep a hand close by, ready to conceal my eyes from the “scary” moments of my life. Yet this time it’s different. My family’s hands keep slipping. I have seen my dad’s monotone demeanor and the tears that permanently stain my grandmother’s cheeks. Even though accidental, the coddling has officially stopped.

Everyone says college is a time of maturity and independence. However for most college students this independence is a slight facade. They know they can call their parents for a care package, advice or some extra money. However my source of dependence is being cut short. My mom’s pending death has brought me into a new realm of independence. My mom, the person I depend on the most, is no longer a back up plan. My decisions hold greater significance and I have advanced into a new level of responsibility. I’m completely frightened but my mom doesn’t need to know that. She needs to know I can do it. From medical bills and college expenses, this scholarship will allow my mom to relax for a moment. Not only from the extra financial help, but as proof that her daughter will be okay.

[billmcd]

I am applying for a college scholarship and I need to write a 250 word personal statement. I need to know whether this says enough about me and doesn't seem like I am asking for pity. I have proofread it but I probably missed some errors. Any comments would be GREATLY appreciated.

Thanks


I have stopped trying to rephrase it in any other way: my mom is dying from cancer. It’s true that none of my family members have explicitly told me, but I honestly have no faith in them to do so. I have been coddled all my life. Since preschool my family has managed to keep a hand close by, ready to conceal my eyes from the “scary” moments of my life. Yet this time it’s different. My family’s hands keep slipping. I have seen my dad’s monotone, demeanor and the tears that permanently stain my grandmother’s cheeks. Even though accidental (how about: unintended) , the coddling has officially stopped.

Everyone says college is a time of maturity and independence. However for most college students this independence is a slight facade. They know they can call their parents for a care package, advice or some extra money. However my source of dependence is being cut short. My mom’s pending death has brought me into a new realm of independence. My mom, the person I depend on the most, is no longer a back-up plan. My decisions hold greater significance and I have advanced intoto a new level of responsibility. I’m completely frightened, but my mom doesn’t need to know that. She needs to know I can do it. From With medical bills and college expenses, this scholarship will allow my mom to relax for a moment briefly. Not only from for the extra financial help, but as proof that her daughter will be okay.

A few minor suggestions. Nice work and good luck.