College Essay HELP

Ultimeaciax · #1 (**permalink**) 04-Dec-2005, 14:50

I have just finished written my college essay and I truly wish someone can help me in proofreading and correcting it. I came to the US just 6 to 7 years ago so I know my English is not too strong, and my essay is not that good; even though I spent tons of time on it. In hope of getting into Bates College, I need this essay to be as perfect as possible. So, please give me a helping hand if you have time. Thanks in advance.

Tdol · #2 (**permalink**) 05-Dec-2005, 03:10

I have made a few changes- feel free to ask any questions about my choices. good luck with your application. BTW, it was well-written. I have had to save it as a text file because once I had made the changes, it exceeded the file size limit for the forum.

Ultimeaciax · #3 (**permalink**) 05-Dec-2005, 20:37

Wow!! I really appreciate that you spent your time correcting this for me. Thanks a million. Really, I mean it. There are some parts that I struggled to arrange the correct words and phrases, but you came in and really perfected it.
By the way, I have a few questions to ask you. Is it neccessary to double space at the end of a period where you start a new sentence? Also, in the essay that you were corrected. The part where "and a keen participant in school events." Does the word "keen" stand for sharp, vivid, and strong, or the informal meanings: great, splendid, fine? I was trying to look for words like enthusiasm, enjoyable.

Also, what do you think of this ending sentence "I hope Bates will give me chance in my pursuit of higher education, and I truly believe that I will fulfill my potential by attending Bates College."? My friend said it sounds a little awkward so I improved it to this "I hope Bates will give me an opportunity to explore its prestigious, high-standard educational system, and I truly believe that I will fulfill my potential by attending Bates College."? "
But again, thank you so much.

Tdol · #4 (**permalink**) 06-Dec-2005, 13:29

I double space after a period, but some don't. I'd say that as long as you are consistent it doesn't matter that much. I preferto giuve the reader's eye a teensie bit of extra help.
If you don't go for 'keen', how about enthusiatic/eager?
I hope that Bates will give me the chance/opportunity for me to further my education and I belive that I would truly fulfill... How about this?

Tdol · #5 (**permalink**) 06-Dec-2005, 13:30

PS You're welcome.


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