help check a 25min limit essay

[endeavor6636]

this my first practice for writting a 25min essay, casu its the first time, i have spent 1 and half hour to write. [ this topic is come from a practice test book for
california university enrollment test. the actual limitation of the writting is 25min.
can somebody help me check my essay and give me a score between 1-6 also give some advise?
[i will be taking this test in september, so i am going to spend this month to practice writting 25min essay ( the person who score the test know that its quite short to write an essay in 25 min, so they only looking for informatio.
n you provide and overall organization.] the following is my essay
[i will post somemore of my writting later in this month, hope somebody help]
THANKS FOR HELPIING , I AM APPRECIATED




Base on my experience, or what i have encounter in my life; i believe that the word "sucess" is shimmering interminently between four words, which are "oppuntunity", "gumption", "diligence" and what's more, the most imortant- "assertion"; without confidence of yourself, even how smart you are; how much work you has put into your aim, however, . On the whole, to me, confidence is the most important factor of success.
In the main, for instance, in real life, S.A.T test is as same as a milestone of one's course of life.many young people have elboratly prepared for this test. some of them studied it overnight; some of them studied every difficult vocabulary words in the dictionary, which most people don't understand what those words mean. on this occusion, this would make many people believe they would posively pass the exam; however, half of them got wrong. nearly 90 percent of these teenager were recieved an unideal test score.why? the crux of the problem was as i have mentioned, lacking of confidence. ironicly, on the contrary, those who didn't study much but had faint on themselve, recieved score which higher then those who studied overnight over the year.i.e. have you seen the gravity of "confidence" ?
By comparison, preserverence , diligence, oppuntunity, etc. are also important, but not the paramount.
as i have mentioned in the first paragraph, "success" are display between the word " diligence:, etc. in retrospect, let's imagine those who got confidence but hadn't study any modify pratice question of teh s.a.t, don't you think whey will recieve a ideal socre from the test? probably not. indeed, confidence is the main factor of doing anything, however, we should use "diligence", "preserversence", " oppuntunity" to sustain it.As well as as building a house, if a house with out a stable basic framework, this house will not consider as a good house even you possess the best cement in the world, one day it might lasp by earthquake for example.
all in all, base on both example that i provided above, we could see the importance factor of "success".
in recapitulation, "confidence" is the essence of sucess while it should be sustain with : preserverence, diligence and also oppitunity.this is what i personal view of the factor of "success"!

[Tdol]

1 Follow writing conventions- use 'I' not 'i'. Use capitals toi start sentences.
2 Don't use contractions.
Line one- two verb forms are given in the wrong form. Also, the 'shimmering' idea doesn't communicate clearly what you mean.

[endeavor6636]

thanks for clarify that . what other word can i use beside "shimmering"? besides capitital and contractio
it.s there any more error. can you give me a score between 1-6?

[Tdol]

The score would depend on the descriptors and guidelines for marking, and I don't know what they are. If you mean that it's meaning varies between these four positions, then 'hovering' might work.