help me check my essay

[endeavor6636]

Nowadays computer has become integral part of our daily lives specially communication, financial, entertainment etc. However, along with such rapid development of technology, this also brought us many disadvantage as well as health problem, many former business shut down, etc.


Indeed, it’s true that computer have brought us many advantage, such as communication. Since the internet became prevalent in the world many business market have shut down as the result of not having customer consume their product. For instance, long distance call, telephone. One may not aware of that since the emerge of net communication system, numbers of telephone sell every year, and long distance service, etc. have become lessen and lessen common in the world.


Web camera for example, is the reason of the declination of long distance service. As I have known and indicated from internet. Nowadays, almost everybody at home would possess web camera, especially youthocracy, they fond of using web camera to chat with people in other countries. sometime, they would love to use net communication to look for companion, etc., thus, many long distance call service business, etc. have tremendously swell, on the contrary, internet service and web chatting, etc. business soared.


However, as I have mentioned in the introduction, as the rapid development of technology, it also brought us many disadvantage, such as health. Majority jobs nowadays in the world required Sedentary working condition, and sit in front of computer all day long as well as dealing, creating graphic model, etc. as a result, these have brought the worker and youthocracy disadvantage, such as backbone disease, nearsighted, far –sight, cataract, etc. especially cataract, study shown that if people who’s business are specialize in computer. If they don’t know how to take care of their eyes properly, when they getting older, such as cataract, backbone, etc disease would successively emerge one after another.


General speaking, the development of technology indeed have brought us many benefits, and convenience. However, we should be caution on our body health. Specaily youthocracy, if they don’t know how to take good care of themselves properly. When they get older, they would positively regret.

[Tdol]

Have a look at 'as well as' in the first paragraph.

[endeavor6636]

oh, shall i change into "such as" ? are there any other errors? please feel free to correct all my mistake, such as vocabulary misuse,etc. because i am not good at wrtting essay
and this is also a 25min limit essay, but i overran it by 20min. and this essay is only paraphase what i have known, i didn't search any information on it, thus it may seems quite shallow.

[Fazzu]

Originally Posted by endeavor6636

Nowadays computer has become integral part of our daily lives specially communication, financial, entertainment etc. However, along with such rapid development of technology, this has also brought us many disadvantages as well as(hope you have corrected) health problem, many former businesses shut down, etc.

Indeed, it’s true that computers have brought us many advantages,such as(like) communications. Since the internet became prevalent in the world, many business markets have shut down as the result of not having customer consume their product. For instance, long distance call, telephone. One may not be aware of that since the emerge of net communication system, numbers of telephone sell every year, and long distance service, etc. have become lessen and lessen(less and less) common in the world.

Web camera, for example, is the reason of the declination of long distance service. As (as) I have known and indicated from the internet. Nowadays, almost everybody at home would possess web camera, especially youthocracy, they are fond of using web cameras to chat with people in other countries.Sometimes, they would love to use net communication to look for companion, etc., thus, many long distance call service business, etc. have tremendously swell, on the contrary, internet service and web chatting, etc. business soared.

However, as I have mentioned in the introduction, as the rapid development of technology, it also brought us many disadvantage, such as health. Majority jobs nowadays in the world required(requires) Sedentary working condition, and sit in front of computer all day long as well as dealing, creating graphic model, etc. as(As) a result, these have brought the workers and youthocracy disadvantages, such as backbone disease, nearsighted, far –sight, cataract, etc. especially cataract, study shown(shows) that if people who’s business are specialize in computer. If they don’t know how to take care of their eyes properly, when they getting older, such as cataract, backbone, etc disease would successively emerge one after another.(You may want to connect the sentences underlined by rephrasing them.)

Generally speaking, the development of technology indeed have brought us many benefits, and convenience. However, we should be caution on our body health. Specailly youthocracy, if they don’t know how to take good care of themselves properly. When they get older, they would positively regret.(You might want to rephrase those sentences underlined)

You have used a lot of etc's.I think you may want to rephrase them with conjuctions.Other than that,I hope I have corrected them well.
All the best,

[endeavor6636]

thanks for spending your time correcting me .yeah, you are right i used too much etc. and too many small mistake , anyway thanks anyway

[Fazzu]

Always welcome.By the way, you are doing very good.Go along...