request approval

[friendlyj]

I'm an IT technical person and im not that good in english,
please tell me what is wrong with this composition and help me improve it.

thanks









This requests your approval to purchase new 10KVA UPS that will be used as a backup power supply for servers. Most of the time power failure occurred on midnight and no administrator is around to properly shutdown the server. The improper shutdown of servers causes corruption of data which result to system failure.

The existing UPS that we bought mid year of 2001 is already worn-out and has its battery power degraded. This UPS is not reliable to use on servers because of its shorter runtime and can only be used on small equipment like modem, routers and hubs.

When approved the UPS shall be used to supply power to mission critical servers like Email, Platinum and storage server for editorial group.

The APC SURT 10000 XLI UPS comes with standard battery pack and when in full load can only run for maximum of 4 minutes. To extend its runtime we need an additional battery pack, an additional of two (2) external batteries is recommended to extend its runtime power to at least 45 minutes.


For your approval please.

[Rincewind]

Words I have added or changed are marked by [ and ]. The marker [] shows where I have deleted words. The | indicates you must make a choice of one or other word. Remember to remove my markup (the [ and ]) before sending.

This [email|letter|other] [is to] request[] your approval to purchase [a] new 10KVA UPS that will be used as a backup power supply for servers. Most of the time power failure[s] occurred [at night] and no administrator [was] around to [] shutdown the server [properly]. The improper shutdown of servers cause[d] corruption of data which result[ed] [in] system failure[s].

The existing UPS, that we bought [in the middle] of 2001, is already worn-out and [] its battery power [has] degraded. This UPS is not reliable [for] use [with the] servers because of its short[] run time and can only be used on small equipment like modem[s], routers and hubs.

When approved, the UPS shall be used to supply power to mission critical servers like Email, Platinum and storage server[s] for [the] editorial group.

The APC SURT 10000 XLI UPS comes with [a] standard battery pack and when [under] full load can only run for maximum of 4 minutes. To extend [the] run time, we need an additional battery pack. The additional of two (2) external batteries is recommended to extend [the APC SURT 10000 XLI UPS's] run time [] to at least 45 minutes.