Comment on my daughter's article

[angliholic]

My daughter Penny, aged 14, wrote an article; please edit and comment on it. Thank you immeasureably in advance:

Fast Food Restaurant

Many teenagers love to go to fast food restaurant. Why is fast food so popular in Taiwan? It is because they are fast and convenient.

Nowadays people are often busy with jobs, family, and learning...etc. They don't have much time to sit down, relax, and have a nice meal. So fast food restaurants like KFCs are the best choice for some people to deal with their lunch or dinner. Although it is convenient and easy to get, but fast food isn't very good for our health. It includes a lot of fat and calories, but only a few nutitions. If we want ot enjoy a longer life, we had better not eat fast food.
Instead, it is preferrable to eat healthy food.

[Casiopea]

angliholic, if we edit the article for your daughter, her grade won't reflect her ability.

Please note that, we try not to do homework assignments.

All the best.

[angliholic]

Originally Posted by Casiopea

angliholic, if we edit the article for your daughter, her grade won't reflect her ability.

Please note that, we try not to do homework assignments.

All the best.

Hi, Casiopea, thank you for you concern, but this is not a homework assignment. I ask her to practice writing English, and I have checked it over. Because I'm afraid of overlooking something, I post it here to ask for your advice.

[Casiopea]

That's wonderful news. You're a good mom!

[angliholic]

Originally Posted by Casiopea

That's wonderful news. You're a good mom!

Thanks, Casiopea, for the compliment, but I'm her Dad.

By the way, aren't you give me some advice on her writing?

[Casiopea]

It's very good, Mr angliholic. Suggested corrections are in green.

Many teenagers love to go to fast food restaurants. Why is fast food so popular in Taiwan? It is because they are fast and convenient.

=> Oh, a very nice and common writing strategy in Asia - to begin with a question (the topic) and the answer. It's not a common practice on the other side of the world. My students, who by the way are Asian, find it frustrating when they read essays from the USA or the UK, the topics/thesis statements of which are not in the form of the expected Q&A format. They have a hard time finding the point of the article because they're so used to the Q&A format taught in school. Given that knowledge, you may want to show your daughter that there are different ways to craft a thesis statement: inductive, deductive, and others. It's just a suggestion given that you are helping her (to) learn how to write.

Nowadays people are often busy with jobs, family, and learning...etc.

=> There's also busy at work.
=> ...etc. should be 'and so on' or 'and other things'.

They don't have much time to sit down, relax, and have a nice meal. So fast food restaurants like KFCs are the best choice for some people to deal with their lunch or dinner.

=> So,
=> KFC doesn't take -s in that context; it's generalized
=> 'for their lunch or dinner' works

Although it is convenient and easy to get, but fast food isn't very good for our health. It includes a lot of fat and calories, but only a few nutitions.

=> 'convenient and easy' are near synonyms
=> 'but' and 'although' have the same function; one needs to go.
=> 'nutitions', spelling

If we want to enjoy a longer life, we had better not eat fast food.
Instead, it is preferrable to eat healthy food.

=> spelling again (Listen, I am not the best typer nor the best speller in the world . Agh, Microsoft!)
=> Try not to use It is + adjective. Try, Eating healthy food is preferable.

All the best. (I enjoyed the read.)

[Casiopea]

Originally Posted by angliholic

By the way, aren't you give me some advice on her writing?

Try,

Aren't you going to give me...?

All the best.

[angliholic]

Originally Posted by Casiopea

Try,

Aren't you going to give me...?

All the best.

Yes, that's one kind of my many typoes, missing a few words. Besides, some of the errors that you've singled out for us are also my typoes.

[Casiopea]

To err is human, right. With Chinese New Year having entered the scene, I've been making some very simple mistakes lately. Must be the winds of the New Year.

[angliholic]

Originally Posted by Casiopea

It's very good, Mr angliholic. Suggested corrections are in green.

Many teenagers love to go to fast food restaurants. Why is fast food so popular in Taiwan? It is because they are fast and convenient.

=> Oh, a very nice and common writing strategy in Asia - to begin with a question (the topic) and the answer. It's not a common practice on the other side of the world. My students, who by the way are Asian, find it frustrating when they read essays from the USA or the UK, the topics/thesis statements of which are not in the form of the expected Q&A format. They have a hard time finding the point of the article because they're so used to the Q&A format taught in school. Given that knowledge, you may want to show your daughter that there are different ways to craft a thesis statement: inductive, deductive, and others. It's just a suggestion given that you are helping her (to) learn how to write.

Nowadays people are often busy with jobs, family, and learning...etc.

=> There's also busy at work.
=> ...etc. should be 'and so on' or 'and other things'.

They don't have much time to sit down, relax, and have a nice meal. So fast food restaurants like KFCs are the best choice for some people to deal with their lunch or dinner.

=> So,
=> KFC doesn't take -s in that context; it's generalized
=> 'for their lunch or dinner' works

Although it is convenient and easy to get, but fast food isn't very good for our health. It includes a lot of fat and calories, but only a few nutitions.

=> 'convenient and easy' are near synonyms
=> 'but' and 'although' have the same function; one needs to go.
=> 'nutitions', spelling

If we want to enjoy a longer life, we had better not eat fast food.
Instead, it is preferrable to eat healthy food.

=> spelling again (Listen, I am not the best typer nor the best speller in the world . Agh, Microsoft!)
=> Try not to use It is + adjective. Try, Eating healthy food is preferable.

All the best. (I enjoyed the read.)

Thank you immeasureably, Casiopea, for the elaborate and expressive explantions. I'll let my daughter see this post in person, and I'm sure she'll be too moved to cry out.
I don't how to thank you enough.