Doubts about how to improve a writing

[maria-celeste]

Hi, I want you correct my writing if it is possible! Thanks

what you suggest me to write there? Why?
(It is my whole writing, if you believe that It has mistakes, suggest me the proper way to correct them, please!!)


It was a beautiful morning when Sarah, the girl who was in charge of Sophy and Tom, the twins, decided to travel with them to the countryside in order to enjoy a different day.
Being inside the train and with a lemon drink carton in each hand, the girl returned to the compartment where she had left the children, the one next to the driver’s cab. It was empty although the children had promised her not to move from there. In desperation, she opened the train window and stuck her head out. She looked along the almost deserted platform but there was no sign of a pair of blue-coated children. At that moment, she tought that they could not be hiding because the corridor was too narrow and it did not has enough rooms with seats to be under them, so porter accompained her down the train. There were a few women with their children but no nine-year-old boy and girl alone. She rushed to the barrier and asked a man if he had seen them but he said that no children had passed through it. At that moment she wondered where the children could have gone. The driver had only just arrived but he had not seen any children.
Ahead, the bore grey platform sloped to meet the rain-washed tracks. She squinted towards the far side of the train and to the other side of the platform but there was nothing more than empty lines racing out into the ordered tangle of metal beyond the station roof. At eleven in te morning, the station seemed to be asleep and the children could nowhere be seen.
Finally, when she felt utterly hopeless because the children did not appear, she heard a soft sound in the distance and after some minutes she realised that she was in her bed and Sophy and Tom were sleeping too. After all, it had been a nightmare.

[rancher247]

Originally Posted by maria-celeste

Hi, I want you correct my writing if it is possible! Thanks

what you suggest me to write there? Why?
(It is my whole writing, if you believe that It has mistakes, suggest me the proper way to correct them, please!!)


It was a beautiful morning when Sarah, the girl who was in charge of Sophy and Tom, the twins, decided to travel with them to the countryside in order to enjoy a different (What do you mean? unique, another, ?) day.
Being (Avoid using this word at all costs!!) inside the train and with a lemon drink carton in each hand, the girl returned to the compartment where she had left the children, the one next to the driver’s cab. It was empty although the children had promised her not to move from there. In desperation, she opened the train window and stuck her head out. She looked along the almost deserted platform but there was no sign of a pair of blue-coated (not the BEST way to say this, but ok) children. At that moment, she thought that they could not be hiding because the corridor was too narrow and it did not has (should be have) enough rooms with seats to be under them, so the porter accompanied her down (awkward?) the train. There were a few women with their children but no nine-year-old boy and girl alone. She rushed to the barrier and asked a man if he had seen them, but he said that no children had passed through it. At that moment she wondered where the children could have gone. The driver had only just arrived but he had not seen any children.
Ahead, the bore grey platform sloped to meet the rain-washed tracks. She squinted towards the far side of the train and to the other side of the platform but there was nothing more than empty lines racing out into the ordered tangle of metal beyond the station roof. At eleven in the morning, the station seemed to be asleep and the children could nowhere be seen. (Awkward!) Finally, when she felt utterly hopeless because the children did not appear, she heard a soft sound in the distance and after some minutes she realised that she was in her bed and Sophy and Tom were sleeping too. After all, it had been a nightmare.

Hey, hope this helps.
I like your writing style, but you need to work on your mechanics and phrasing. Nice job.

[maria-celeste]

Thank you very much for your correction! I will take them into accout and I will try to work on my mechanics and phrasing. Thanks again!!