Can you check out this sentene, please?

[Englishlanguage]

In a English test I wrote this sentence, referring to a poem (The rainbow by Wordswoth):

The rainbow rapresents the course of life which starts and finishes just as the rainbow seems to be starting when it first appears on the horizon and dying when it sinks below the horizon.

Is it correct?
I'm not sure about the expression seems to be starting [...] and dying.
I do know I could have chosen a better verb instead of starts here
The rainbow rapresents the course of life which starts and finishes
Maybe begins would have been a little more appropriate.
Thank you

[bianca]

Originally Posted by Englishlanguage

In a English test I wrote this sentence, referring to a poem (The rainbow by Wordswoth):

The rainbow rapresents the course of life which (begins and ends) just as the rainbow does: it (is born) upon first appearing on the horizon, and (dies) when it sinks below it.

Is it correct?
I'm not sure about the expression seems to be starting [...] and dying.
I do know I could have chosen a better verb instead of starts here
The rainbow rapresents the course of life which starts and finishes
Maybe begins would have been a little more appropriate.
Thank you

how about this?

[Englishlanguage]

Originally Posted by bianca

how about this?

Well, it does sound better. My sentence has too many repetitions. Words like rainbow and horizon are repeated too much. Anyway, do you believe mine is acceptable? If you were my English teacher how would you consider my sentence?

[bianca]

The rainbow rapresents the course of life which starts and finishes just as the rainbow seems to be starting when it first appears on the horizon and dying when it sinks below the horizon.


The phrase is too long, I almost got lost in it.

Yes, you're right:

- the repetition of horizon in the same sentence "when it first appears on the horizon and dying when it sinks below the horizon."

-start and starting... it's bothering me, can't you find a way to go round repetitions, use synonyms...

- finishes is a transitive verb, use an intransitive verb that fits better, especially with the idea of life and death (maybe begin and end isn't the best option either...)

-when it first appears ...and dying ... here you must be consistent with the tenses.

I like the verb "sink" at the end, like under the water (pictures the sky as a blue ocean)

is it too much???

[Englishlanguage]

Originally Posted by bianca

is it too much???

Not at all, it'sk ok. thank you.

Originally Posted by bianca

-when it first appears ...and dying ... here you must be consistent with the tenses.

I'm afraid you misunderstood this part.
Dying is dependent from seems to be just like starting.
just as the rainbow seems to be starting when [...] and dying when [...]

What about the usage of to be starting? Should I have said seems to start?

Originally Posted by bianca

I like the verb "sink" at the end, like under the water (pictures the sky as a blue ocean)

I came across an example like The sun sank below the horizon on the dictionary and immediately fell in love with this expression.

Originally Posted by bianca

- the repetition of horizon in the same sentence "when it first appears on the horizon and dying when it sinks below the horizon."

You're right but I was afraid the sentence could be misunderstood if I used pronouns.