scene from novel

[Allie]

Trauma scene
“I’m sorry, please excuse me, must have lost my balance when I bent down.”
OH! What’s going on? What do you want? Stop, your hurting me, stop pushing me, leave me alone. He’s shoving me into a darkened alley, with overgrown trees and shrubs hiding it from the street. Oh, my God, he must have been directly in back of me and very near, when I looked back for him…he’s shoving hard now.
“I said I was sorry for bumping you.” I’m screaming but there’s no one. The old air conditioners…they’re so loud. He’s got my hair…oh God it hurts…trying to pull me back further by my hair…hitting…pushing…using his knee to bash my stomach with his knee…trying to get me to the ground. He’s got something; a tree limb…so hard…went down hard…my face hit the dirt.
Black!
I’m back. I’ve got to hurt him. He’s trying to stuff something in my mouth…hit’s me harder…now’s my chance. I kicked him between his legs…he’s hurt.
“I want you to scream. I’m going to hurt you some more too,” I said. I tried again but I couldn’t reach him. I tried to get on my feet as he held himself in agony. I made it to my knees, but swayed. He withdrew his hands from the pain and with a rage let fly a blow knocking me down again. I can’t scream…stuffed in my mouth…he’s pulling me by my hair into a clump of trees. Dear Lord, help me; no one will ever see me now. He’s in back of me I can’t get to him. One more hit with the limb. Struggling to hurt him…I can hardly see.
He’s in front of me. I can see him…blood streaming down…he’s gonna kill me. Not homeless…in a suit.
“I got your shirt and I’m not through, I’m gonna hurt you.” I ripped it hard, clawing as hard as I could…dug deep with my now pitiful broken nails…put deep marks on him. Gotta see him. There I tore his shirt again…what’s that…a tattoo. Something fell from his pocket…I grabbed it but he saw me…hold fist tight. Hit my hand with limb; think he broke it…he got it back…something small.
Oh, my God…close to my face…deep scar on his neck…he likes this now…he’s stopped hitting…gotta think. He slapped my face back and forth hard…savage. I felt my swollen lips split open.
Black!
Back…think…let him do whatever. I have to see tattoo…he’s on top of me…heavy. Hits me hard in the jaw…am so dizzy…going in and out…I can’t hurt him. Opening my blouse…God not a knife…slicing through my bra. Sliced too far and cut a gash between my breasts. Pain was like a branding iron on my flesh. He laughed out loud. Looked at my breasts, made noises as a tribal chant…has my breasts in his hands, whispered something…native again.
Thinks I’m unconscious…see the tattoo; also see blood all over his hands…my blood…there’s blood all over…I pulled out what was in my mouth just before I went out again..
Black!
I’m back…feel sick…vomiting…spurts everywhere and back down my throat…I’m chocking to death…he hits my back to bring it back up again. He’s punching me again…got the knife again…tattoo is small…I saw it. His face is so close to mine…he’s smiling, likes his control over me. His eyes, never seen any like these before. Wide open, pupils dilated…feel now he is savage and wants to eat me, tear all the meat from my bones…eat it…flesh all gone…just bones and leave me here. Wild, eyes. Never forget them. Thinks I’m still out. Blood’s coming from my nose, mouth, head. Keeping eyes closed…takes his time now…not afraid of being caught with his prey.
Pulling up my skirt…knife cuts into my leg…hot searing pain, takes my breath.
Black!
Back…cuts panties throws…head still low to me now. He studies my face…likes to see tears, blood on my face…can’t see…feel him very close to my face…took both fists and hit him under his chin while he’s on me…shocks him. I hit him hard with both my fists. Hard as I can. I spit on him…blood spurts from my nose…I hit him again going for his windpipe…I hit him hard and fast. It doesn’t faze him…he’s unzipping his fly…quick and hard, he pulls my head up and knocks it hard against the ground.
BLACK.
I know he raped me…why is he still slapping me and calling me names? He’s horrible…I’m going to die…bones…nothing but bones…have to wash off this blood…have…to…get…someone.
Help!!…Help!!…Please help me!! Help me…I’m over here behind the trees. Help!!

[Anglika]

Are you asking us for comments or assistance?

[Allie]

I'm asking for both. Your opinion of what I wrote and if it is written in the correct way. I've used a lot of elispes and don't know if that's okay. I ask for correctness in what I've written and what you can tell me to make it better. Thanks.

[Anglika]

Originally Posted by Allie

Trauma scene
“I’m sorry, please excuse me, must have lost my balance when I bent down.”
OH! What’s going on? What do you want? Stop, your hurting me, stop pushing me, leave me alone. He’s shoving me into a darkened alley, with overgrown trees and shrubs hiding it from the street. Oh, my God, he must have been directly in back of me and very near, when I looked back for him…he’s shoving hard now.
“I said I was sorry for bumping you.” I’m screaming but there’s no one. The old air conditioners…they’re so loud. He’s got my hair…oh God it hurts…trying to pull me back further by my hair…hitting…pushing…using his knee to bash my stomach with his knee…trying to get me to the ground. He’s got something; a tree limb…so hard…went down hard…my face hit the dirt.
Black!
I’m back. I’ve got to hurt him. He’s trying to stuff something in my mouth…hit’s me harder…now’s my chance. I kicked him between his legs…he’s hurt.
“I want you to scream. I’m going to hurt you some more too,” I said. I tried again but I couldn’t reach him. I tried to get on my feet as he held himself in agony. I made it to my knees, but swayed. He withdrew his hands from the pain and with a rage let fly a blow knocking me down again. I can’t scream…stuffed in my mouth…he’s pulling me by my hair into a clump of trees. Dear Lord, help me; no one will ever see me now. He’s in back of me I can’t get to him. One more hit with the limb. Struggling to hurt him…I can hardly see.
He’s in front of me. I can see him…blood streaming down…he’s gonna kill me. Not homeless…in a suit.
“I got your shirt and I’m not through, I’m gonna hurt you.” I ripped it hard, clawing as hard as I could…dug deep with my now pitiful broken nails…put deep marks on him. Gotta see him. There I tore his shirt again…what’s that…a tattoo. Something fell from his pocket…I grabbed it but he saw me…hold fist tight. Hit my hand with limb; think he broke it…he got it back…something small.
Oh, my God…close to my face…deep scar on his neck…he likes this now…he’s stopped hitting…gotta think. He slapped my face back and forth hard…savage. I felt my swollen lips split open.
Black!
Back…think…let him do whatever. I have to see tattoo…he’s on top of me…heavy. Hits me hard in the jaw…am so dizzy…going in and out…I can’t hurt him. Opening my blouse…God not a knife…slicing through my bra. Sliced too far and cut a gash between my breasts. Pain was like a branding iron on my flesh. He laughed out loud. Looked at my breasts, made noises as a tribal chant…has my breasts in his hands, whispered something…native again.
Thinks I’m unconscious…see the tattoo; also see blood all over his hands…my blood…there’s blood all over…I pulled out what was in my mouth just before I went out again..
Black!
I’m back…feel sick…vomiting…spurts everywhere and back down my throat…I’m chocking to death…he hits my back to bring it back up again. He’s punching me again…got the knife again…tattoo is small…I saw it. His face is so close to mine…he’s smiling, likes his control over me. His eyes, never seen any like these before. Wide open, pupils dilated…feel now he is savage and wants to eat me, tear all the meat from my bones…eat it…flesh all gone…just bones and leave me here. Wild, eyes. Never forget them. Thinks I’m still out. Blood’s coming from my nose, mouth, head. Keeping eyes closed…takes his time now…not afraid of being caught with his prey.
Pulling up my skirt…knife cuts into my leg…hot searing pain, takes my breath.
Black!
Back…cuts panties throws…head still low to me now. He studies my face…likes to see tears, blood on my face…can’t see…feel him very close to my face…took both fists and hit him under his chin while he’s on me…shocks him. I hit him hard with both my fists. Hard as I can. I spit on him…blood spurts from my nose…I hit him again going for his windpipe…I hit him hard and fast. It doesn’t faze him…he’s unzipping his fly…quick and hard, he pulls my head up and knocks it hard against the ground.
BLACK.
I know he raped me…why is he still slapping me and calling me names? He’s horrible…I’m going to die…bones…nothing but bones…have to wash off this blood…have…to…get…someone.
Help!!…Help!!…Please help me!! Help me…I’m over here behind the trees. Help!!

You need to consider the tenses you are using. Either this should be entirely present and immediate, or you distance the narrative. Not having read the rest of the book, it is difficult to give advice. However, in this passage my instinct is that you should make it entirely present tense.

I have highlighted in red your errors - possibly just typos, but check them out.

[Allie]

Anglika, Thanks for your input. I don't understand a few things - "with a rage" - should I use "in a rage" or "with rage?

"hold fist tight" isn't that present tense? Also - "chocking" isn't that present tense?

Are you saying that I should use "going to" instead of "gonna"?

Are you saying "Wild Eyes" is incorrect because it is a partial sentence? Or something else.

My entire novel is in first person - I should have told you that before. What do you think of the actual scene? Even though it is distanful - it is what happened to Kathrine, my main character. Throughtout the story, she has amnesia and this scene is when she finally remembers what happened and brings her memory back. Feel free to tell me what you like and dislike. What about the elipses (...) have I used too many. Allie

[Anglika]

Originally Posted by Allie

Anglika, Thanks for your input. I don't understand a few things - "with a rage" - should I use "in a rage" or "with rage?

"hold fist tight" isn't that present tense? UI hold, you hold, he/she/it holds Also - "chocking" isn't that present tense? What is the verb you want to use?

Are you saying that I should use "going to" instead of "gonna"? I don't like gonna/wanna even in this kind of writing. However, it must be your decision which to use.

Are you saying "Wild Eyes" is incorrect because it is a partial sentence? Or something else. You had a comma. Without the comma it's fine.

My entire novel is in first person - I should have told you that before. What do you think of the actual scene? Even though it is distanful - it is what happened to Kathrine, my main character. Throughtout the story, she has amnesia and this scene is when she finally remembers what happened and brings her memory back. Feel free to tell me what you like and dislike. What about the elipses (...) have I used too many. Allie

As I said before, not having seen the entire book, I cannot make a proper judgement on this. As it stands it is vivid - but you do need to decide what tense it should be in. As to using the ellipses - do you feel you have used too many? If so, how would you re-write without them?

[Tdol]

I'd agree with Anglika about the ellipses; if you have a doubt about them, then try reducing the number and seeing how it then looks to you.