Hello Tezkar, welcome to Using English!
Unfortunately we can't do assignments here; but there are two aspects of your essay that you might want to think about:
1. The assignment talks about "the facts and examples you will use for supporting evidence". Are you sure that you have enough "facts and examples"?
2. The assignment lists a number of points for you to consider. You've incorporated these points into your essay; but are you sure that you've looked at them in sufficient detail?
All the best,
- For Teachers