Need some feedback

Hi, I am Sylvia. I am trying to find some feedback about my writing skills.
I have written a short essay similar to those asked in common admission tests for college or certain certifications. All I want is to have some feedback to see how can I improve, or what should I correct.

Thank you :D



Going to school to another country is a great experience, but it is not for everyone.
Having the opportunity to study at a foreign country has innumerable good points as the experience of living an unnative culture, the opportunity to learn or master a foreign language, new perspective of the native country from outside and all the fascinating people that can be met.
As every experience it also has its hard side, because when somebody goes through the challenge of learning and living at a foreign country that person might face lack of confidence when trying to find a roll in a new culture, or obtain low results at school due to the difficulty of new language and trouble with adaptation process.
Going to school is no for any person, but certainly for someone who has the potential and strength to overcome obstacles, that can be found, studying in a foreign country is a fascinating experience that should not be given away.

[RonBee]

Try:

• Going to school in a foreign country is a great experience, but it is not for everybody.

I am not sure what you mean by unnative culture. Try something else. (That entire sentence needs to be rewritten.)

There is good and bad in everything. One needs to know what one wants from an experience to be sure to get it.

:)

Originally Posted by RonBee

Try:

• Going to school in a foreign country is a great experience, but it is not for everybody.

I am not sure what you mean by unnative culture. Try something else. (That entire sentence needs to be rewritten.)

There is good and bad in everything. One needs to know what one wants from an experience to be sure to get it.

:)

Thank you RonBee, I will follow your suggestions.

[RonBee]

Post your rewritten version, and I will make more comments.

:)

Thank you RonBee. I am going to make the corrections tonight and then I will show it to you again.

Meanwhile - I hope you don't mind - I would like to show you this other essay that I wrote. I feel that maybe I did some better. :D

Sometimes money can become a problem, when there is a decision to be made about which could a better investment: to purchase a house or a business?. If I had the money to choose between these two options, I will choose the peace of mind of investing in a house.
When buying a house, in most cases there is a profit associated with the increase of value of the property, in addition, this type of investment does not require the owner to be working full time, in the house to maintain the profit, therefore the owner will be able to spend his or her time in any other business. Also, and in some cases, the house can generate an extra income by renting under a lease contract.
On the other hand, owning a business can be also a good idea, but there are more factors to be considered as the experience and knowledge that the new owner needs about the specific industry. In addition, own business usually require full time dedication by the owner to decrease the risk of loosing the money invested.
For all these reasons, if I ever face the problem to find something to do with my money, I would not doubt to buy a property rather than a business. Meanwhile I will try to solve the problem of finding the money for me to invest it.

[RonBee]

Sometimes money can become a problem, when there is a decision to be made about which could a better investment: to purchase a house or a business?

How about:

• It can be a problem deciding what to do with your money.

Or:

• It can be hard to decide what to do with your money.

Or:

• Deciding what to do with your money can be difficult.

Then:

• You might need to decide whether to buy a house or whether to buy a business.

What do you think?

:)

[RonBee]

If I had the money to choose between these two options, I will choose the peace of mind of investing in a house.

Say:

• If I had the money to choose between these two options, I would choose the peace of mind of investing in a house.

It's a conditional sentence. You have to use would. You can't use will with if. (Well, actually, you can, but not in this case. You can say, "If this happens, I will do this.")

:)