IELTS WRITING

Dear Sir,
I will take the IELTS text a few days later. I wrote an article yesterday. Can you amend it for me thoroughly.
Yours Sincerely
SunnyLiu
Topic: Recently computers are widely used in education. Some people think that teachers will no longer play an important role in the classroom. Do you agree or disagree with the opinion?

Since1946, when the first computer called ‘ENIAC’ was invented, progressing more industrial and education around the world have been connected to the computer. Computer plays an important role in people’s daily life especially in education. Hence, some people maintain that teachers would not play as significant a role as before. Personally, I do not think their view make any sense.

To start with, face-to-face education can never be replaced. In traditional classroom, students and teachers can communicate directly and freely. On the contrary, an on-line school makes students fail to communicate with others. As a result, students receive tele-education tend to be socially inadaptable, lacking the necessary interpersonal skills. A number of people have expressed a concern about the need for socializing as part of the development of the complete person and the inability to take pate in debate and discourse, which is thought to be essential for gaining a comprehensive knowledge of a subject.

Furthermore, children are able to cultivate teamwork spirit cooperation and competition in traditional classrooms. By discussing with the classmates and exchanging ideas with the teacher, students learn how to share the ideas or methods with each other and how to cooperate with each other to seek a better solution. Moreover, during this period, young people can not only better themselves but also abundance by filling-up and cover-up appreciation of aesthetics. As a result, they can develop a broader mind, a wiser understanding of world around better social skills, and improved self-confidence. However, students cannot do so through tele-education.

In conclusion, the decision that use the computer replace with the teachers seems neither sensible nor thoughtful. It is highly time that we took the advantages of both tele-education and traditional education to prompt the quality of compulsory education.

[Tdol]

Topic: Recently computers are widely used in education. Some people think that teachers will no longer play an important role in the classroom. Do you agree or disagree with the opinion?

Since1946, when the first computer called ‘ENIAC’ was invented, progressing more (this phrase doesn't work- it's not linked to anything) industrial and education (one of these is an adjectve and one a noun- they don't go together- it should be industry and eductaion, though is iindustry relevent to this topic?) around the world have been connected to the computer. Computer (repetition- why don't you say computer, which plays...) plays an important role in people’s daily life especially in education. Hence, some people maintain that teachers would (maintian is present, so you should use will) not play as significant a role as before. Personally, I do not think their view make any sense.

To start with, face-to-face education can never be replaced. In the traditional classroom, students and teachers can communicate directly and freely. On the contrary, an on-line school makes students fail to communicate with others (does not allow students to communicate with one another) . As a result, students receive (receiving) tele-education tend to be socially inadaptable, lacking the necessary interpersonal skills. A number of people have expressed a concern about the need for socializing as part of the development of the complete person and the inability to take pate (part) in debate and discourse, which is thought to be essential for gaining a comprehensive knowledge of a subject.

Furthermore, children are able to cultivate teamwork spirit cooperation (too many words and they don't connect into anything) and competition in traditional classrooms. By discussing with their classmates and exchanging ideas with the teacher, students learn how to share the (Delete) ideas or methods with each other and how to cooperate with each other to seek a better solution. Moreover, during this period, young people can not only better themselves but also abundance by filling-up and cover-up appreciation of aesthetics (this doesn't work- it's too complex and doesn't really mean much. What are you trying to say? It doesn't make sense to me) . As a result, they can develop a broader mind, a wiser understanding of world around better social skills, and improved self-confidence. However, students cannot do so through tele-education.

In conclusion, the decision that use the computer replace (idea of replacing teachers withcomputers- I wouldn't say decision because no such decision has been made that I know of) with the teachers seems neither sensible nor thoughtful. It is highly (high) time that we took the advantages of both tele-education and traditional education to prompt (improve) the quality of compulsory education.