Can anybody help me to proofread and shorten this letter?

[chowbarry]

Can anybody help me to proofread and shorten the following letter? Thank you in advance!!!

Thank you for your letter dated 15th April 2008 referring to your disturbance caused by the youngsters’ misbehavior experienced in flight CZ0056 on 10th April 2008.

We are sorry to hear that you have experienced the unpleasantness during your flight to Beijing. Since the incident, I have personally interviewed several senior flight members on board to achieve a complete understanding of the causes of this unusual and unfortunate incident. This is, however, also the first time that our crew members have met with these youths.

Our investigation shows that the teenagers were on a school trip without the company of adults. As this is their first flight, they may not be aware the need of tranquility for other passengers on board. They were all Argentinean and spoke some local dialect of Spanish. This made it hard for us to communicate with them in pure English or Spanish in an already over-heated ambience. Our cabin crews tried to calm them down in a discreet way, unfortunately without success. They feared that their persuasive actions would further provoke them; as you know some of them were drunk already. Furthermore, as this was a situation aboard a long-hail flight, our crew members were understandably reluctant to cause any more tension for the rest of the journey.

This is a matter, which is being taken very seriously. I enclose a copy of the report compiled by our senior flight crews on duty that day. A copy of this report will be submitted to the disruptive passenger’s Head of School detailing the plight all other passengers encountered on that day. If we receive the report from the school, we will forward to you immediately.

We will take every possible step to ensure that in future, this incident will not occur again.
2


We are grateful for your efforts in letting us know about the above incident so that we can improve our service. To compensate you for your valuable time and discomfort as a result of this unfortunate event, we herewith enclose two free-ticket coupons which allow you and a member of your family to come to Beijing again. This coupon is valid for one-year from the date of issue.

I do hope that next time when you come, you will gain a brand new flight experience with us; of course, we hope that our service will be met with your approval.

Finally, please accept my sincere apologies and I hope that this incident will not happen again in future. Please contact me with any queries or comments at 1234-5678.

[RonBee]

Originally Posted by chowbarry

Thank you for your letter dated 15th April 2008 referring to your disturbance caused by the youngsters’ misbehavior experienced in flight CZ0056 on 10th April 2008.

We are sorry to hear that you have experienced the unpleasantness during your flight to Beijing. Since the incident, I have personally interviewed several senior flight members on board to achieve a complete understanding of the causes of this unusual and unfortunate incident. This is, however, also the first time that our crew members have met with these youths.

Thank you for your letter dated 15th April 2008 referring to your disturbance caused by the youngsters’ misbehavior experienced in flight CZ0056 on 10th April 2008.

We are sorry to hear that you experienced unpleasantness during your flight to Beijing. Since the incident, I have personally interviewed several senior flight members on board to achieve a complete understanding of the causes of this unusual and unfortunate incident. This was the first time that our crew members have seen these youths.

Originally Posted by chowbarry

Our investigation shows that the teenagers were on a school trip without the company of adults. As this is their first flight, they may not be aware the need of tranquility for other passengers on board. They were all Argentinean and spoke some local dialect of Spanish. This made it hard for us to communicate with them in pure English or Spanish in an already over-heated ambience. Our cabin crews tried to calm them down in a discreet way, unfortunately without success. They feared that their persuasive actions would further provoke them; as you know some of them were drunk already. Furthermore, as this was a situation aboard a long-hail flight, our crew members were understandably reluctant to cause any more tension for the rest of the journey.

Our investigation has revealed that the teenagers were on a school trip without the company of adults. As it was their first flight, they may not have been aware of the need for tranquility for the other passengers on board. They were all Argentinean and spoke some local dialect of Spanish. This made it hard for us to communicate with them in either English or Spanish. Our cabin crews tried to calm them down in a discreet way, unfortunately without success. They feared that their actions might further provoke them as some of them were drunk. Furthermore, as this was a situation aboard a long-haul flight, our crew members were understandably reluctant to cause any more tension.

[RonBee]

Originally Posted by chowbarry

This is a matter, which is being taken very seriously. I enclose a copy of the report compiled by our senior flight crews on duty that day. A copy of this report will be submitted to the disruptive passenger’s Head of School detailing the plight all other passengers encountered on that day. If we receive the report from the school, we will forward to you immediately.

We will take every possible step to ensure that in future, this incident will not occur again.

This is a matter which is being taken very seriously. I have enclosed a copy of the report compiled by our senior flight crews on duty that day. A copy of this report will be submitted to the disruptive passengers’ headmaster. If we receive a report from the school, we will forward it to you immediately.

We will take every possible step to ensure that no similar incident will occur in the future.

[susiedqq]

They feared that their actions might further provoke them as some of them were drunk

How do you know this? Could you prove this statement? Surely the students will deny this!

Would it not be better to say:

They feared that their actions might further provoke them, as some of the students acted like they were under the influence of alcohol or drugs.

[RonBee]

Originally Posted by susiedqq

They feared that their actions might further provoke them as some of them were drunk

How do you know this? Could you prove this statement? Surely the students will deny this!

The original sentence:

They feared that their persuasive actions would further provoke them; as you know some of them were drunk already.

It is the writer's opinion that the disruptive passengers were drunk. It is not up to me to argue with that opinion. My only goal is to help improve the writing.

[RonBee]

Originally Posted by chowbarry

We are grateful for your efforts in letting us know about the above incident so that we can improve our service. To compensate you for your valuable time and discomfort as a result of this unfortunate event, we herewith enclose two free-ticket coupons which allow you and a member of your family to come to Beijing again. This coupon is valid for one-year from the date of issue.

I do hope that next time when you come, you will gain a brand new flight experience with us; of course, we hope that our service will be met with your approval.

Finally, please accept my sincere apologies and I hope that this incident will not happen again in future. Please contact me with any queries or comments at 1234-5678.

To compensate you for your unpleasant experience with our airline, we herewith enclose two free-ticket coupons which allow you and a member of your family to come to Beijing again. This coupon is valid for one-year from the date of issue.

I hope your next flight with us will be much more pleasant. Pleasae accept my sincere apologies for your unfortunate experience with our airline. Please contact me with any queries or comments at 1234-5678.