help with personal statement paper. I struggle with writing.

[Tony Smith]

My career goals are to become a full time teacher by the time I am 24, and move either south or west. I would also like to have my master degree a short time after that as well. I prefer teaching an algebra class at a high school level. I know I could excel at that level of teaching because math is my best subject and algebra is the sub-subject that I succeeded the most in. I have attended Midland Area Schools since 5th grade. I moved from Flint because my parents were looking for me to go to a smaller school and a safer atmosphere.
I have played sports my whole, entire life. I have been playing baseball since I was 4 years old and I am still playing today. I am currently playing for the midland Varsity Baseball team. I started playing in Flint National until I was thirteen. Once we moved, I played on Diamond Dogs which was an travel team at the time. Also, I started to play hockey at the r Ice Cube that year. It was my favorite sport by far just because of the speed and the aggressiveness that I played with. I played that up until my freshman year but ended up stopping because our high school doesn’t have a hockey team. Otherwise, I would have kept playing. I also play varsity soccer and the first time I ever played was my junior year so I was just happy to make the team. I made a short stint in JV golf my freshman year but I wasn’t able to attend the tryouts my sophomore year so I didn’t play.
Thankfully my grades didn’t slack due to my sports. All through out high school I have maintained a 3.0 at least and my accumulative GPA is currently a 3.515. I am also currently taking to AP classes, AP Physics and AP Calculus, which I took to better prepare me for college and my career field. In my junior year, I was recommended to attend a camp called Boy’s State. We would have been running a mock city and we all would have been playing rolls in the government, but I am not interested in that. I have also been recommended by other teachers to be a freshman mentor, which is a class that helps out the freshmen, leadership class, teen SERT and peer mediation. The reason I didn’t take any of these classes were because leadership and freshman mentors took up a class of mine, and I didn’t want to be behind on the graduating requirements.
I have always been hard working with any thing that I do, if it’s either sports or going to classes in school. I am always striving to be the best even when I know I can’t be. I don’t quit when I’m tired and I will always do my best.

[Raymott]

Your writing isn’t too bad.

I prefer teaching an algebra class at a high school level. I know I could excel at that level of teaching because math is my best subject and algebra is the sub-subject that I succeeded the most in.

If you’re going to teach any sorts of maths, logic is important. Can you see a logical error in the above?

my whole, entire life. One of these words is redundant.
an travel team

I played that up until my freshman year but ended up stopping because our high school doesn’t have a hockey team. Otherwise, I would have kept playing.
Last sentence is redundant.

I made a short stint in JV golf my freshman year but I wasn’t able to attend the tryouts my sophomore year so I didn’t play. Redundant.