[Essay] Correction for 3-01-2009

[loupevivante@hotmail.com]

Could you correct my text please?

1- I will always remember that sunny September’s day when I became a big girl…

As I could not sleep any more because of that strong sensation of excitement I felt in the region of my bottom, I woke up early that morning, long before my parentswho didn’t seem very happy about that situation (although they understood my behaviour). I will always remember that I was wearing a beautiful blue dress recently bought for that special occasion. It was my first school day!

After the famous picture session directed by my dear mother, I took the yellow bus for Elisabeth Turgeon. While I was looking through the window situated beside me I could appreciate the marvellous autumn landscape with its multicoloured leaves and its ochre fields. I was feeling a mixed sensation at that moment: I was feeling excited, because I was about to discover a new world, but at the same time, I was feeling nervous. A feeling of insecurity overcame me because I was about to plunge myself into the unknown, and what was even more frightening for a five-year-old girl that had to face up alone to such a situation!

However, I succeeded in overcoming that obstacle and I began my social integration. I must admit that this stage was relatively easy for me. In other words, it was a breeze, a piece of cake! Of course, I didn’t know if it was because I looked like a magnet (that is to say, if I gave off some magnetic attraction) or just because I smelled good, but everybody was attracted by me.

Through my Grades, I have had competent teachers for whom my well-being and my academic success represented some huge priority. I suppose, for the time being, that it is why I was appreciated school so much and for that reason, learning constitutes the most beautiful and useful activity!

One thing that needs to be said is that my primary school development was divided between two different establishments because of certain factors. I made my entrance in that new world in Elisabeth Turgeon School because it was my neighbourhood school. However, because I wished to become, one day, a famous tennis player, I decided to do the Sport-Étude program to concentrate myself on my athletic development. Therefore, I had to leave my initial school to Sainte-Agnèse, where I have spent some unforgettable moments. I will never regret that choice because it has made me grow up in my psychological aspect.

2- Following this natural resource luckily responsible for life appearance on our planet, that resource which is so important that, as it occupies more than fifty percentof the total earth space, may cause several wars all around the world, you will discover a fabulous city. At the end of the Saint-Laurent river that city is situated, warm and welcoming at the same time because of its site and its inhabitants' behaviour towards visitors. Rimouski represents a mix between urban and rural way of life: its inhabitants benefit everyday from the fantastic landscape everyday, with fields as far as the eye can see, and from the several public utilities which are offered thereto them. In brief, I was and I’m always one of the luckiest inhabitants of that marvellous and multitasking place.

It was in a little roundabout, which didn’t contain more than seven houses, that I spent the major part of my childhood. One of those family houses, a pink one with a magnificent apple tree in the back courtyard, sheltered my parents, my sister and myself. Across the street lived a little girl, who was the same age as me, who became from our first days of life my best friend. Through the years, we have shared our childhood, our life experiences, and we have helped each other, trying to prevent bad things from happening.

That roundabout was special; it had a certain power that nobody could describe. It was more than a street with homes all around, it was like a village: everybody knew the others and would have been able to help his neighbour if he had met with that need. In other words, my neighbours were like another family for me, who I knew I could trust in!

After spending several beautiful years in that street, my family and myself took the decision of turning over a new leaf: we moved to another neighbourhood, always in the city of Rimouski, where I discovered my real personality thanks to Claudia, a girl who has a heart of gold. It was by running in those streets with that marvellous young woman that I spent my adolescence.

It was in those fantastic atmospheres where I grew up…

3- Childhood is a magic period in our life, which seems to pass in no time because of that kind of naivety which haunts children. They grow up in an imaginary world, which gives them a certain peace of mind that nobody except them can understand.It was in that imaginary world that I found the games I played with when I was a child. I represented the living proof that toys were not essential to children in order that they had fun! I have discovered, as the years went by, that we were able to do so many things with our mind rather than with things…

My room could represent a class like a hospital. My house’s back courtyard was sometimes a desert, and another time a jungle. I didn’t need any accessories, things took place in my head because of my fertile imagination. Sometimes, I didn’t even feel the need to talk because every action happened in my mind. Therefore, never during my childhood was I bored thanks to my sister, who was my game partner, and my imagination, which has kept me nimble.

My sister represented for me the best friend I have never had because we shared the same ideas, the same mind. Like me, she liked to invent her games world, which changed, evolved as the days went by because of the new knowledge she acquired. That knowledge touched (concerned) her moral aspect (her manners) as much as her know-how. The same situation happened to me, which allowed my sister and myself to become in no time responsible and realist facing to the different events that life put on our way. In short, we sponged off our childlike mind while it was still time to do so, which allowed us to make the most of that unique period of our life.

In conclusion, concerning that field, I was a dirt cheap child!

[sushuma]

(I am not a teacher)

five-year-old girl that had to face up alone to such a situation!

I would say "five-year-old girl who had to face such a situation alone!"


who was the same age as me

I would say "who was the same age as I"


my family and myself took the decision of turning over a new leaf:

I would say "my family and I made the decision to turn over a new leaf:"


It was in those fantastic atmospheres where I grew up…

I would say "It was that fantastic atmosphere in which I grew up..."or even better "That was the fantastic atmosphere in which I grew up..."

The other parts of your text in bold appear just fine to me.

[RonBee]

Originally Posted by EMAIL REMOVED - Send PM to This User Instead

1- I will always remember that sunny September’s day when I became a big girl…

I will always remember that sunny September day when I discovered that I had become a woman.

[RonBee]

Originally Posted by EMAIL REMOVED - Send PM to This User Instead

Through my Grades, I have had competent teachers for whom my well-being and my academic success represented some huge priority.

Throughout my time at school I have had competent teachers who cared about whether I succeeded or not.

Simplify. Strive for clarity. Go over each paragraph. Remove something from every one. Use fewer exclamation marks. Rewrite every paragraph. Read what you have written. Look for things to take out or rewrite. Then do it again.

[RonBee]

Originally Posted by EMAIL REMOVED - Send PM to This User Instead

As I could not sleep any more because of that strong sensation of excitement I felt in the region of my bottom, I woke up early that morning, long before my parentswho didn’t seem very happy about that situation (although they understood my behaviour). I will always remember that I was wearing a beautiful blue dress recently bought for that special occasion. It was my first school day!

It was the first day of school. I was so excited that I couldn't sleep. I woke up early that morning--before my parents woke up. I wore a beautiful blue dress for the occasion.