Can anybody proof read this?

[Unregistered]

Hi guys this is a short thing that I wrote for univ application please proof read this and make any suggestions. Thanks

"My long term goal is to be engaged in a profession through which I will be able to serve the interests of the society in general. I have started getting involved with community organizations that cater to the needs of the society. I have been a witness to deep poverty and social inequality before coming to Canada in 2006. Even from a young age, I have done what I can to try and help people. I was quite seriously involved with a NGO back in India called Nandini Voice for the Deprived. This helped me gain a lot of useful experience. In the short time I have been in Canada so far, I have been involved with some community organizations, for example I volunteer at Storefront, an organization based in Scarborough, this has not only helped me feel satisfied about serving the society, but has also helped me acclimatize to the Canadian society.
I also have a number of other interests. I have been playing the Guitar for the past two and an half years and also I have been getting involved in the lower forms of motorsports such as Go Karting etc. These extracurricular activities have helped me withstand the pressure of school education and hopefully would do the same in university."

[English-coach]

Hi guys this is a short thing that I wrote for univ application please proof read this and make any suggestions. Thanks

"My long term goal is to be engaged in a profession through which I will be able to serve the general interests of the society in general. I have started getting involved with community organizations that cater to the needs of the society. I witnessed deep poverty and social inequality before coming to Canada in 2006. Even from a young age, I have done what I could to try and help people. I was quite seriously involved with a NGO back in India called Nandini Voice for the Deprived. This helped me gain a lot of useful experience in relation to ______________ (give some more details maybe).. In the short time that I have been in Canada so far, I have been involved with some community organizations. I volunteer at Storefront, an organization based in Scarborough, this has not only helped me feel satisfied about serving society, but has also helped me acclimatize to the Canadian society.
I also have a number of other interests. I have been playing the Guitar for the past two and a half years and I also have been getting involved in the lower ranks of motorsports such as Go Karting etc. These extracurricular activities have helped me withstand the pressure of education so far and hopefully will do the same in university."

Good essay! I changed a couple things. Watch out for your articles (a, the). I hope that you get into the University that you are applying for. :) Best of luck.

Diana
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