- 1 Post By sarat_106
- 2 Post By David L.
help me out!!!
“It`s too late but at least we can try”, said my friend Rahim. I replied him “yesterday it was last date for examination entry, now I cannot appear in examination for this session “. I burst out in tears My friend Rahim saw me in pitiful condition, he stood up and dialed the number of Sir shah. Sir shah asked him to come at my office. He hanged up the phone and asked me to come behind him. We get in the taxi and went to sir shah`s office.
We reached at his office Rahim went inside while I was standing outside. I realized it was my fault, I did not pay attention to my studies, my father told me week before to get examination entry forms. I postponed from next day, yesterday and then today. Earlier morning my father asked me about my exam preparation my mouth dried while answering him.
I sat down daze. Inside me my heart was pounding. After 20 minutes clerk called me and said me to go inside. As I entered in office I saw my father was sitting on chair opposite to sir shah. Rahim was standing next to my father. My father glanced at me; his looks were not kind at all. I bow down my head. He again started to talk with sir shah. I can see my father from my eye corner; I have never seen him in such mood before. I could see any attempt of explanation would only mean of scolding perhaps slap across my face.
As clerk entered in room sir shah and my father stop talk. Clerk handed over some paper by saying sir entry had been done. I breathe sigh of relief and heard my father did the same. Sir Shah handed over exam slip to father, by the thanks of father and went outside, we followed them. Me and Rahim reached out I hugged him and thanked him for his precious help. We all get in car and silently reached home. I realized because of my lack of a sense of responsibility I was about to lose my one year. I bold myself that I should get punishment for this behavior. I went to my father room and fetched the cane. I came back to hall and hand over the cane to his hand. He saw me and cane In his hand he threw it away and h bear me In hug.
He whispered in my ear “taking responsibility is the first sign of being an adult”.
Re: help me out!!!
Originally Posted by Jamalmemon
Re: help me out!!!
Sarat:Delete underlined words in brackets. The text after deletion will be as under.
"It may be too late but at least we can try”, said my friend Rahim. I replied, (him-omit) “Yesterday (it-omit) was the last date for examination entry/examination registration. Now I can't do the examination/s for this session .“ I burst into tears. My friend Rahim, watching me in such a pitiful condition, stood up and dialed the number of Sir Shah. Sir Shah asked him to come to his office. Rahim
(Using 'he' would refer to Sir Shah. I am presuming Shah is the person's name.)
put down the phone and asked me to come with him. We got in (to-omit) a taxi and went to Sir Shah`s office.
As soon as we reached his office, Rahim went inside while I waited outside. I realized it was my fault: I had not paid attention to my studies; and my father had told me the week before to get the examination entry forms (in). I put it off till it the next day, then the next and the next, and then today. Early that morning, my father had asked me about my exam preparation, and my mouth had dried up while answering him.
I sat down in a daze. Inside me, my heart was pounding. After 20 minutes, a clerk called me and told me to go inside. As I entered the office, I saw my father was sitting on a chair opposite to Sir Shah. Rahim was standing next to my father. My father glanced at me with a harsh look. I bowed (down-omit) my head. He again started to talk with Sir Shah. I could see my father out of the corner of my eye; I have never seen him in such a mood before. I could visualize that any attempt to explain would only result in scolding or perhaps a slap across my face.
As the clerk entered the room, Sir Shah and my father stopped talking. The clerk handed over some papers, (by-omit) saying to Sir that the entry had been done. I breathed a sigh of relief and heard my father doing the same. Sir Shah handed over the exam slip to my father, who thanked him. He then he went outside and we followed him. I reached out to Rahim to hug him and thanked him for his precious help. We all get into the car and silently reached home. I then realized how, because of my lack of a sense of responsibility, I had nearly lost a whole year of my studies. I was bold enough to admit that I deserved to be punished for this/my behavior. I went to my father's room and fetched the cane. I came back to the hall and handed
him the cane
put the cane in this hand.
He saw me and threw away the cane (in his hand-omit) to hug me close to him affectionately. He then whispered in my ear, “Taking responsibility is the first sign of being an adult”.
Last edited by David L.; 21-Feb-2009 at 06:25.
Re: help me out!!!
I`m thankful to you both for such great help. friends can you tell me more ways I can improve my mistake, you guys took out, and kindly tell which type mistake i made in this composition..
Re: help me out!!!
Be reasonable. Look at the amount of red for the first corrections, and the amount of blue for additional corrections.
I would suggest you read more English, noting phrases and how words go together, and use them in your writing. That way, you will see that the expression is 'in a daze', not 'sat down daze'.
Check your understanding of the use of the comma.
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