Correction of short story

[Tan Elaine]

Could some member please correct this short story for me. Many thanks.


I heard the screeching of a motorcycle’s brakes. Then I turned round in time to see a motorcyclist falling off his machine. He must have been speeding because I heard the roar of the engine before the sound of a motorcycle crashing onto the road. He was seriously injured. He was groaning in pain. He was bleeding profusely. There was soon a pool of blood. Not long after, he stopped groaning. I was shocked. He was motionless. Maybe he had died. A short while later, a small crowd gathered. busybodies.

I quickly took out my mobile phone to call an ambulance. About five minutes later, the paramedics arrived on a motorcycle. I looked on anxiously as the paramedics attended to him. Soon I saw one of them shaking his head. My heart sank as I believe that the victim had died. About fifteen minutes later, the wail of sirens was heard. The ambulance had arrived. Two nurses heaved the body into the ambulance.

One of the police officers who had arrived about the same time as the ambulance walked towards me and asked me and another person what we had seen before the accident. I related all that I knew just as the other passer-by did, my voice quivering at times.

When I reached home, I told my mother about the accident. She told me that I should never ride a motorcycle because it was a two-wheeler, and hence the rider was vulnerable. I agreed with her and decided to give up my idea of buying a motorcycle.

The next morning, when I was reading the news, I was very sad to learn that the motorcyclist had drunk before the accident. I was sad to read in the newspaper that he left behind his elderly parents, brother and sister.

That night I had difficultly sleeping as scenes of the accident flashed through my mind. It was only at 3 o’clock that I managed to fall asleep. Fortunately, the next day was a Saturday and I did not have to go to school.

[pyoung]

Dear Elaine:

Could some member please correct this short story for me. Many thanks.


I heard the screeching of a motorcycle’s brakes. Then I turned round in time to see a motorcyclist falling off his machine. He must have been speeding, because I heard the roar of the engine before the sound of the motorcycle crashing onto the road. He was seriously injured. He was groaning in pain and bleeding profusely. There was Soon a pool of blood formed [or some other p participle]. Not long after, he stopped groaning [consider: Not long after, the groaning stopped (or ceased). I was shocked. He was motionless. Maybe he had died. [consider: Had he died?] A short while later, a small crowd gathered. Busybodies. [consider: Gawkers. (gawkers are people who obviously and rudely stare from idle curiousity at something that is really none of their business.)

I quickly took out my mobile phone to call an ambulance. About five minutes later, the paramedics arrived on a motorcycle. I looked on anxiously as they attended to him. Soon, I saw one of them shaking his head. My heart sank as I realized that the victim had died. About fifteen minutes later, the wail of sirens was heard. (The ambulance had arrived.) consider: An ambulance arrived. Two nurses heaved (this verb can have a connotation both of moving something very heavy and awkward and may give the sense that the nurses were acting without respect for the dead man. Other possible verbs: lifted, moved, carried, wheeled) the body into the ambulance.

One of the police officers who had arrived about the same time as the ambulance, walked towards me and asked me and another person what we had seen before the accident. I related all that I knew just as the other passer-by did, my voice quivering at times.

When I reached home, I told my mother about the accident. She told me that I should never ride a motorcycle because it was a two-wheeler, and hence the rider was vulnerable. I agreed with her and decided to give up my idea of buying a motorcycle.

The next morning, when I was reading the news, I was very sad to learn that the motorcyclist had (drunk) (been drinking)[Because 'drunk can act as a p. part and as a predicate adjective ('He was drunk'), it can be confusing (people are expecting 'the motorcyclist 'had been drunk'), 'had been drinking' is commonly understood to mean he was too drunk too be driving.] before the accident. I was sad to read in the newspaper that he left behind his elderly parents, brother and sister.

That night I had difficultly sleeping as scenes of the accident flashed through my mind. It was only at 3 o’clock that I managed to fall asleep. Fortunately, the next day was a Saturday and I did not have to go to school.

What a fine job you have done with your story! I only hope it is not a real experience you had to suffer. Once, many years ago, in San Diego, California, I witnessed two young men fly from a motorcycle into a steel railroad crossing signal. I will never forget holding one them as he died, while a friend tried to keep the other calm until the ambulance arrived.

All best wishes,

Petra

[Tan Elaine]

Many thanks, Petra, for your help and useful comments.

It's only a story.

I would have been very depressed if I had to do what you did.