Need assistance

[sapenjooy]

Hi All,

I'm a new joiner to this wonderful community and must admit i'm excited about this.I wrote an email to a Director of company regarding job opportinity.

please look below,the abstract of the the mail i wrote .I would welcome your thoughts and critiques,that will help me draft an email of better quality going forward.Its through my friend i got to know his contact.fyi

"Hi Mr.ABC,

Goodday!I had the pleasure of coming to get your contact through Mr.XYZ.I would like to introduce myself as an aspiring ERP professional,please find enclosed my resume for your review.Welcome an opportunity to discuss about the plausibilities of being associated with your esteemed organisation.Thank you for your time and consideration."


Appreciate your attention into this subject.

No Worries
Karthik

[Monticello]

Hi All,

I'm a new joiner to this wonderful community and must admit i'm excited about this.I wrote an email to a Director of company regarding job opportinity.

please look below,the abstract of the the mail i wrote .I would welcome your thoughts and critiques,that will help me draft an email of better quality going forward.Its through my friend i got to know his contact.fyi

"Hi Mr.ABC,

Goodday!I had the pleasure of coming to get your contact through Mr.XYZ.I would like to introduce myself as an aspiring ERP professional,please find enclosed my resume for your review.Welcome an opportunity to discuss about the plausibilities of being associated with your esteemed organisation.Thank you for your time and consideration."


Appreciate your attention into this subject.

No Worries
Karthik

Hi sapenjooy,

- And welcome!

The first thing you ought to consider with the current draft of your email is its informality, that is, you appear to be addressing an unknown person much as you would a co-worker of equal position/rank. I think you need to reconsider this.

After all, you are addressing someone who has the potential to either recommend you for employment, if not actually hire you. This kind of request requires the necessary deference of a formal business letter format and content.

So even though you may be transmitting a request for consideration via email, you should still comply with the standards of a formal business "cover letter," that is, a letter that introduces yourself to a person unknown to you within the business world, and asks that person to review your work qualifications and history (usually for consideration of a specific position) as detailed in an accompanying resume.

Given this, I would suggest that you first perform an Internet search on "writing a cover letter" (or something similar) in order that you may find recommendations concerning acceptable format and content for writing one.

I'd be happy to review your cover letter after you make this attempt.

Good luck! .

[Charlie Bernstein]

Hi All,

I'm a new member of this wonderful community and must admit I'm excited about this. I wrote an email to a director of a company regarding a job opportunity.

Please look below at the abstract of the the letter I wrote. I would welcome your thoughts and critiques. That will help me draft an email of better quality going forward. It's through my friend that I got to know this contact.fyi

Dear Mr. -----:

XYZ suggested I write you. I'm an aspiring ERP professional and would welcome an opportunity to discuss an entry-level position with your organisation.

If it's convenient for you, I can call you next week to arrange a time to meet.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Yours truly,

Karthik

Monticello is right - your letter sounds a little giddy. Remove the frills and get to the point. Business people don't like people who waste their time.

Monticello's advice is also good: Learn a standard business letter format. Your first contact should be a letter, not an email.

Other general comments:

- Don't say your resume is enclosed. He'll know it's enclosed because, well, it's enclosed.

- Avoid starting sentences with the word I. Once is fine, but don't over-do it.

-Use you more often than I.

- State your follow-up: you'll call soon.

[sapenjooy]

Please click one of the Quick Reply icons in the posts above to activate Quick Reply.

[sapenjooy]

Thank you charlie and monticello for your valuable inputs.


No Worries
Karthik

[Monticello]

Hi Karthik,

- my pleasure to be of help.

One important further thing for you to consider concerning using email for a transmittal of a cover letter / resume: In his post to you, Charlie writes:

"Your first contact should be a letter, not an email."

It is common practice these days to submit a cover letter and resume via email instead via regular mail (otherwise known as "snail mail"). Just remember if you should opt to transmit your cover letter / resume via email, you should still observe the standards expected of a formal business letter, i.e., proper layout, which includes a heading, salutation, body, and closing.

Also, you may choose to have your cover letter precede your resume in one document, which you then attach to your email. In this case, what you write in the email itself should be brief (since a more detailed introduction via your cover letter will now be included in your cover letter / resume document and attached to your email) but still "business formal."

-All the best.