Essay Correction

[steph_333]

Last week I had to hand in this "opinion essay" which I finally got back today. I don't agree with my teacher on most of the correction, so I wanted to have a second (or third) opinion on it.
That's what I got back: (Task: Comment on the statement...)
(Black: mine; Red: correction)

EVERYONE CAN BE A STAR
I am sure you have heard this statement somewhere before. And for sure you saw a talent show on TV recently.
Today I will be presenting my own opinion whether I think consider this statement to be true or not. From last September to January this another Austrian show called ‘Starmania’ was broadcast in all German speaking countries. This show’s slogan was “The best is yet to come” “The best is to come yet” (If it's the show's slogan why would my teacher change the word order?)
In my opinion the show itself is not even that bad. The audience enjoyed young people presenting their singing and watched them get better every week. At the show’s end a winner was chosen to be ‘Austria’s star of 2009’ and he won a contract with one of Austria’s music records companies.
But – as I have followed this show for nearly four years now – I have to say this those people are not that famous anymore. Apart from Christina Stürmer. (I have mentioned her in the paragraph underneath. Teacher: "missing informatin")
All those candidates that won the contract are ‘not known’ anymore anylonger have fallen into oblivion. (What's wrong with mine?)
The only singer who appeared in Starmania and who is still famous is Christina Stürmer who came second in the show some years ago.
The next example I would like to give is the now notorious hotel heiress Paris Hilton. A few years ago she was an anonymous person like John Q. Public. But – apart from her scandals – she tries really hard and started designing her own fashion line, singing, modeling, and she even tried acting. No matter how known or unknown you are, if you want to be become something one famous, you just have to believe in yourself.
So for example did Paul Potts did Paul Potts for example, the winner of ‘Britain’s got Talent talent’, (Isn't that a proper name?)
a talent show where everyone can go take part, show what he or she they can do and hopefully be chosen to be Britain’s new talent.
Paul Potts took part, showed everyone how beautifully his singing of opera arias (again "missing info", but I didn't want to meantion he sang arias...)
was and was chosen to be the winner. And he’s now a real star. (Eventhough the teacher wrote it, I thought it was supposed to be "And he's a real star now"...)
What I am trying to say with these examples is that if you just believe in yourself and have faith in your talent, you can be achieve everything you want to be.
From anonymous sources I have heard what’s really behind ‘Starmania’ .
The winner is the one that the judges think meets all the expectations of the audience, whether this person wants to be a ‘Star’ or not. For the last few couple of years winners were chosen whether they wanted to become famous or not. That This is one of the reasons why people don’t know remember the past former/one-time winners anymore.
I think if they really would have wanted to be a star they would have been become one. Because everyone can take part in such shows, everyone can do some musical recording and everyone can believe in himself/herself themselves. So I say: just Just do it because YOU can be a star, TOO!!!

[Charlie Bernstein]

Originally Posted by steph_333

Last week I had to hand in this "opinion essay" which I finally got back today. I don't agree with my teacher on most of the correction, so I wanted to have a second (or third) opinion on it.
That's what I got back: (Task: Comment on the statement...)
(Black: mine; Red: correction)

Wow. Okay. I'm blue:

EVERYONE CAN BE A STAR
I am sure you have heard this statement somewhere before. And for sure

Originally Posted by steph_333

, Needs a comma. you saw a talent show on TV recently. Actually, I haven't.
Today I will be presenting Good change. my own Good change. opinion of whether I think considerGood change. this statement to be true or not. From last September to January this anotherGood change. Austrian show called ‘Starmania’ was broadcast in all German speaking countries. This show’s slogan was “The best is yet to come” “The best is to come yet” (If it's the show's slogan why would my teacher change the word order?) You're right. And the original version is correct, while the teacher's is not.
In my opinion the show itself is not even that bad. The audience enjoyed young people presenting their singing and watched themGood change. get better every week. At the show’s end, (Needs a comma.) a winner was chosen to be ‘Austria’s star of 2009, (Needs a comma)’ and he won a contract with one of Austria’s music records companies.Good change.
But – as I have followed this show for nearly four years now – I have to say this those Good change. people are not that famous anymore. Apart from Christina Stürmer. (I have mentioned her in the paragraph underneath. Teacher: "missing informatin") Good point.
All those candidates that won the contract are ‘not known’ anymore anylongerhave fallen into oblivion. (What's wrong with mine?) I'd keep your version, but I'd get rid of the quotation marks.
The only singer who appeared in Starmania and who The "who" isn't needed - it's understood. is still famous is Christina Stürmer, (Needs a comma.) who came second in the show some years ago. Good change.
The next example I would like to give is the now notorious hotel heiress Paris Hilton. A few years ago she was an anonymous person like John Q. Public. But – apart from her scandals – she tries really hard and started designing her own fashion line, singing and modeling, and sheGood change. even tried acting. No matter how known or unknown you are, if you want to be becomeGood change. something one famousGood change. , you just have to believe in yourself.
So for example did Paul Potts did Paul Potts for example, Your way is fine, but put commas around "for example." the winner of ‘Britain’s got Talent talent’, (Isn't that a proper name?)Yes - you're right.
a talent show where everyone can go take part"Go" was fine. , show what he or she they Wrong. "Everyone" is singular, so "they" doesn't fit. can do and hopefully be chosen to be Britain’s new talent.
Paul Potts took part, showed everyone how beautifully Good change. his singing of opera arias (again "missing info", but I didn't want to meantion he sang arias...)You're right.
was and was chosen to be the winner. And he’s now a real star. (Eventhough the teacher wrote it, I thought it was supposed to be "And he's a real star now"...)Either way is fine.
What I am trying to say with these examples is that if you just believe in yourself and have faith in your talentUnnecessary change. , you can be achieve Unnecessary change. everything you want to be. Unnecessary change.
From anonymous sources, Needs a comma. I have heard what’s really behind ‘Starmania.' Period first, then the quotation mark.
The winner is the one that the judges think meets all theGood change. expectations of the audience, whether this person wants to be a star (No capital, no quotes.) or not. For the last few Unnecessary change. couple of years, Needs a comma. winners were chosen whether they wanted to become famous or not. That ThisUnnecessary change. is one of the reasons why people don’t know rememberGood change. the past former/one-time I like yours better. winners anymore.
I think if they really would have wanted to be a star they would have been become Good change. one, because Dependent clause. everyone can take part in such shows, everyone can do some musical recording, Needs a comma. and everyone can believe in himself/herself themselves.You're both wrong. "Himself/herself is not a word, and again, since "everyone" is singular, "themselves" doesn't fit. So I say: just Just Since "just" starts a complete sentence, either way is fine, as long as you're consistent. do it because you can be a star, too! Ouch! Just one exclamation point, please. (If that.) And don't capitalize "you" and "too." For emphasis, use italics.

I'm not a teacher. I edit copy and have tutored college writing. I use American English.

[steph_333]

thanks, charlie.
Is there anyone else who wants to comment? (I just need as much opinions as I can get.)