Anyone can help me proofread this 300 words essay?

This essay is to apply for some scholarship.

Studying for my BBA at the National University of Singapore, I found myself especially interested in finance-related subjects. I earned top scores in the most difficult undergraduate courses, Research Methods in Finance and Investment Analysis, and I found myself deeply inspired when taking the course Corporate Finance by Dr. Ruth Tan, who also supervised my thesis, titled Market Anomalies in the Singapore Stock Market. Furthermore, I passed the CFA L1, L2, L3, FRM L1 and L2 all on the first try, I was inducted into the Beta Gamma Sigma Honours Society, a distinction reserved for the top 10% of students, and I was awarded the CFA Institute Scholarship. I scored 750 on the GMAT, ranking in the 98^th percentile overall. In SMU Master in Applied Finance (MAF), I scored A+ for all my modules and my GPA is currently 4.3/4.0.

I am immensely proud of my accomplishments as a teacher. For example, I achieved a 100% pass rate and 40% distinction for the course Principles of Accounts; I was instrumental in incorporating financial literacy into the school’s curriculum; and I led a team in clinching the silver award in the National Youth Business Challenge. Being a teacher taught me how to communicate effectively with large groups of people and solve problems effectively. These are highly transferable skills which will certainly benefit me in my future career.

I passed my CAIA level 1 in one try, with six out of eight scores in the outstanding category. I have registered for the CAIA level 2. I strongly believe in CAIA Foundation’s mission, and am sure that the knowledge I gained from this program will benefit the alternative investment society in the future. After I graduated from the MAF program, I hope to break into the hedge fund industry as an analyst. In the long run, I see myself becoming a top hedge fund portfolio manager, and a successful alumni of SMU.

A full time job does not make school easily affordable, and any help I can get is appreciated. My wife is a homemaker looking after two children and I am the sole breadwinner in my family. A scholarship will help me lighten my burden and help me achieve the goal I set for myself, which is to excel in the financial industry.

please help

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Originally Posted by maisatomai

This essay is to apply for some a scholarship.

Studying for my BBA (Spell the exact name) at the National University of Singapore, I found myself especially interested in finance-related subjects. I earned top scores in the most difficult undergraduate courses, Research Methods in Finance and Investment Analysis., and I found myself deeply inspired when taking the course Corporate Finance by Dr. Ruth Tan, who also supervised my thesis, titled Market Anomalies in the Singapore Stock Market. Furthermore, I passed the CFA L1, L2, L3, FRM L1 and L2 (I assume that you assume the reader knows what CFA, L1...FRM and so on means, I don't) all on the first try. I was inducted into the Beta Gamma Sigma Honours Society, a distinction reserved for the top 10% of students. In addition, and I was awarded the CFA Institute Scholarship. I scored 750 on the GMAT, ranking in the 98^th percentile overall. In SMU Master in Applied Finance (MAF), I scored A+ for all my modules and my GPA is currently 4.3/4.0.

I am immensely proud of my accomplishments as a teacher. For example, I achieved a 100% pass rate and 40% distinction for the course Principles of Accounts. I was instrumental in incorporating financial literacy into the school’s curriculum and I led a team in clinching the silver award in the National Youth Business Challenge. Being a teacher taught me how to communicate effectively with large groups of people and solve problems effectively. These are highly transferable skills which will certainly benefit me in my future career.

I passed my CAIA level 1 in one try, with six out of eight scores in the outstanding category. I have registered for the CAIA level 2. I strongly believe in CAIA Foundation’s mission, and am sure that the knowledge I gained from this program will benefit the alternative investment society in the future. After I graduated graduate from the MAF program, I hope to break into the hedge fund industry as an analyst. In the long run, I see myself becoming a top hedge fund portfolio manager, and a successful alumni of SMU.

A full time job does not make school easily affordable (This doesn't make any sense. How does having a full time job make school more expensive?), and any help I can get is will be appreciated. My wife is a homemaker looking after two children and I am the sole breadwinner in my family. A scholarship will help me lighten my burden and help me achieve the goal I set for myself, which is to excel in the financial industry.

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1. Your sentences are too long. You don't have to include everything in one sentence.
2. You have too many abbreviations - CAIA, SMU, CFA, MAF, etc. - in the text.
3. You write about you and what you need and want. It is better to write about how your getting an advanced education will help others.

Thanks Gillnetter. I have edited my essay based on your comment.

Appreciate it if you can reread my improved version of the third paragraph. I added in one sentence about how I plan to use the scholarship to help others. Do you think it will be enough?

I passed my CAIA level 1 in one try, with six out of eight scores in the outstanding category. I have registered for the CAIA level 2. I strongly believe in CAIA Foundation’s mission, and am sure that the knowledge I gained from this program will benefit the investment society in the future. In my job as a teacher, I am very active in promoting financial literacy. In the future, I hope to use my knowledge from my higher education to educate the public about the importance of financial literacy. After I graduate from the MAF program, I hope to break into the hedge fund industry as an analyst. In the long run, I see myself becoming a top hedge fund portfolio manager, and a successful alumni of SMU. I aim to be a mentor in the SMU alumni mentorship program and help my fellow schoolmates enter into the financial industry.

Anyone can help? Dateline coming tomorrow