Composition about breaks at work

[Cache]

Hi!

I need you to correct this composition. It must have the level of CAE's exam.

Thanks! ;)

The question is:

*You have recently read an article in the newspaper about the risks many workers run by eating unhealthily and hurriedly during their lunch break. Write a LETTER to the newspaper suggesting ways in which people could change their habits while at work. Do not include any postal addresses. (About 250 words)


My composition:

Dear Newspaper (¿? I am sure about this)

Last Monday, I received my newspaper at home and got worried when I read the article about the risks many people run by eating unhealthily and hurriedly when they break for lunch. I have been thinking some suggestions to be in shape.

On the one hand, people have been consuming junk food for over 10 years, without knowing the effects of them. Hamburgers and chips are included in this group. They fill our bodies with fats and can cause serious conditions like high cholesterol in the blood. Even though few people are aware of the effect of fats, they do not mind and let illnesses develop. The best society can do is to eat an apple a day so as to keep the doctor away, as the saying goes.

On the other hand, another bad habit of people at work is to eat in five minutes and not to sit down. One recent study shows human body needs half an hour to digest correctly. Although employers know it is bad for workers’ health to have not long breaks, they express the view that there is a lot of work to do and no time to waste. Many people are incensed with this position and they may go on strike if they do not come up with a solution. I strongly advise people to leave their job if their bosses do not let them have over thirty minutes to eat.

My conclusion is that practically everyone must change some of their habits and start eating fruits and vegetables. I hope you all like my suggestions and, if it is possible, this letter can be publish in the editorial.

Yours sincerely,

Cache

[rancher247]

Dear Newspaper (¿? I am sure about this)

Last Monday, I received my newspaper at home and grew worried when I read the article about the risks many people run by eating unhealthily and hurriedly when they break for lunch. I have been thinking some suggestions to avoid these risks.

People have been consuming unhealthy food for over ten years, without knowing the effects of them. Hamburgers and chips are included in this group. These foods fill our bodies with fats and can cause serious health conditions like high cholesterol in the blood. Even though some people are aware of the effect of fats, they do not mind (find a different way to say this-I don't think it's the idea that they don't mind, but instead probably amounts to laziness and "lack of time" (at least in the US))and allow illnesses to develop. The best society can do is to eat an apple a day so as to keep the doctor away, as the saying goes.

Another bad habit of people at work is to eat in five minutes and not to sit down. One recent study shows the human body needs half an hour to digest correctly. Although employers know it is bad for their workers’ health to not have long breaks, they express the view that there is a lot of work to do and very little time to "waste". Many people are incensed with this position and they may go on strike if they do not come up with a solution. I strongly advise people to leave their job if their bosses do not let them have at least thirty minutes to eat.

My conclusion is that practically everyone must change some of their habits and start eating fruits and vegetables. I hope you all like my suggestions and, if it is possible, this letter can be publish in the editorial.

Yours sincerely,

Cache

Hey Pablo!
The main problem, I think, with your composition is that you only have 3-4 suggestions. You should probably have closer to 7-8. Are you allowed to use outside sources? Consider doing a little research.

[Tdol]

Letters to newspaper editors often begin 'Sir' (no 'Dear') even when the editor is a woman.

Paragraph 1- 'at home'- is the location of any importance? I would cut it out as it is irrelevant.
Paragraph 2 - You could develop the risks better- obesity, health risks like heart attacks, cirrhosis of the liver appearing in teenagers, diabetes, etc.

Paragraph 3- I don't like the one hand/other hand use here- they're two negative things, so it's what is more/moreover, etc. Is striking and quitting really the best advice? Couldn't we be a bit less confrontational and try to persuade the bosses that healthy employees are less likely to be absent through illness and to be more productive?

Para 4- I'd skip the last sentence altogether- if you write to a newspaper, you automatically hope that it will be published.

[Cache]

It is a bit better than before :)

Thanks you two!

PS: I want to clarify that ALL my compositions should be 250-word. I cannot write too much

[Tdol]

I know; it doesn't allow much room for development of ideas, so pruning and cutting out any excess is important to give more space for it.

[Cache]

Yes, that what happens to me :S

I usually make 300-word compositions and have to cut out one or two sentences.

Cheers!