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13-Apr-2008, 14:49
| | Member | | Join Date: Mar 2008 Country: Bosnia and Herzegovina
Posts: 133
Current Location: Sweden First Language: Bosnian Member Type: Student or Learner Thanks: 91
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| |  The Poem
Dear people.
Please would you proofread my new poem.
The Poem
On the cold dreary winter days,
far away from my home,
when my soul suffers the most,
my mind moves back in time,
like in a self defence.
I am in a bright room with the open window.
The sent of jasmine wafts inside,
on the light breeze.
Trees bulge with ripe fruits.
A crow steals a walnut.
In the distance a sound of a passing train.
Wind brings marry voices
from a school playground.
Let me stay here for a while. |
13-Apr-2008, 15:41
|  | Key Member | | Join Date: Oct 2007 Country: .
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| | Re: The Poem
The Poem
On cold and dreary winter days,
far away from my home,
when my soul suffers most,
my mind moves back in time,
like in self-defence.
I am in a bright room with a window wide open.
A light breeze
wafts the scent of jasmine inside.
Trees bulge with ripe fruit.
A crow steals a walnut.
In the distance a sound of a passing train.
the wind brings merry voices
from a school playground.
Let me stay here for a while.
I do hope you won't kill me for the changed lines
brilliant as always
beascarpetta
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13-Apr-2008, 15:47
| | Member | | Join Date: Mar 2008 Country: Bosnia and Herzegovina
Posts: 133
Current Location: Sweden First Language: Bosnian Member Type: Student or Learner Thanks: 91
Thanked 8 Times in 8 Posts
| | Re: The Poem
Bea
Thank you for helping me.
Every suggestion and help are greatly appreciated! |
13-Apr-2008, 16:00
| | Key Member | | Join Date: Oct 2007 Country: .
Posts: 2,268
Current Location: . First Language: English Member Type: Other Thanks: 105
Thanked 229 Times in 209 Posts
| | Re: The Poem
As always, it was a pleasure
I can't wait for your next literary "effort"  | | The Following User Says Thank You to beascarpetta For This Useful Post: | |
13-Apr-2008, 16:35
|  | Moderator | | Join Date: Feb 2003 Country: USA
Posts: 13,536
Current Location: North Carolina First Language: English Member Type: Other Thanks: 73
Thanked 901 Times in 806 Posts
| | Re: The Poem
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bassim  On the cold dreary winter days,
far away from my home,
when my soul suffers the most,
my mind moves back in time,
like in a self defence.
I am in a bright room with the open window.
The sent of jasmine wafts inside,
on the light breeze.
Trees bulge with ripe fruits.
| Perhaps: On cold dreary winter days,
far away from home,
when my soul suffers the most,
my mind moves back in time,
as if in self defence.
I am in a bright room with an open window.
The sent of jasmine wafts inside
on a light breeze.
The trees are heavy with ripe fruit.
What do you think?  |
13-Apr-2008, 17:04
| | Member | | Join Date: Mar 2008 Country: Bosnia and Herzegovina
Posts: 133
Current Location: Sweden First Language: Bosnian Member Type: Student or Learner Thanks: 91
Thanked 8 Times in 8 Posts
| | Re: The Poem
RonBee
Mate, thank you for your suggestion. I don't know how to answer your question? I prefer the word "bulge" but as you know English is not my mother tongue and still I do not have the same feeling for it as you have. But, I would like to avoid the word "heavy" because it is so usual and one hears it many times every day. For me, "bulge" is more dynamic then "heavy" but it is just my personal feeling.
Many thanks for helping me. |
13-Apr-2008, 17:15
| | Key Member | | Join Date: Oct 2007 Country: .
Posts: 2,268
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Thanked 229 Times in 209 Posts
| | Re: The Poem
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bassim I prefer the word "bulge" but as you know English is not my mother tongue and still I do not have the same feeling for it as you have. | I didn't realize your doubts about bulge
what about using
sag
droop
although both might be a tad passive and negative to boot
or swollen with
pregnant (too much probably)
although both might carry a slight Ovidian undertone 
bea |
13-Apr-2008, 17:35
| | Member | | Join Date: Mar 2008 Country: Bosnia and Herzegovina
Posts: 133
Current Location: Sweden First Language: Bosnian Member Type: Student or Learner Thanks: 91
Thanked 8 Times in 8 Posts
| | Re: The Poem
Bea
Thank you for your suggestion. But, still my inner voice tells me "bulge" is the right word. Or maybe I am wrong? I believe I got in love with two vowels "u" and "e" in the word bulge! |
13-Apr-2008, 19:22
|  | Moderator | | Join Date: Oct 2006 Country: UK
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| | Re: The Poem
I have to say - if you want to use "bulge", then use it. It is not a normal way of talking about trees covered with fruit, but it is your poem and if you feel it works, then go ahead  | | The Following User Says Thank You to Anglika For This Useful Post: | | | Thread Tools | | | | Display Modes |  Linear Mode | 
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