grammar error

[tachi]

i was yelled at for my grammar errors in the following text
but i read it over and over and couldn't figure what's wrong?
help?

A fallen leaf disturbed the surface of a placid lake
Alluding to the quandary hidden within me
Through the reflection I saw a face I coveted so dearly
Reached out my hand to touch
Found the tenderness to be your affectionate kiss
I lingered along the stream
The sky started to change its tone
Once a clear blue sky turned into an endless night
Stars shine above
Reminding me of a indelible pain
You stepped out of my life but left pieces of our memories behind
Living in a lamentable dream
where my last line was replaced by my wounded heart's cry

[Tdol]

Other than changing 'shine' to the past, there are no real grammatical errors. The absence of punctuation means that the reader has to imagine how to contruct it. I'd also move 'once' in line eight to after the indefinite article.

[tachi]

thanks for the help~

[Tdol]

I can't anything to yell about.

[RonBee]

I would say in the reflection.
Perhaps:

• In the reflection I saw a face I coveted dearly.
  I reached out my hand to touch it.
  I found the tenderness to be your affecionate kiss.

:)

[tachi]

good points
editing~ ^^

[RonBee]

Re:

• I lingered along the stream
  The sky started to change its tone
  Once a clear blue sky turned into an endless night
  Stars shine above
  Reminding me of a indelible pain

Perhaps:

• I lingered along the stream.
  The sky changed colors.
  A sky of clear blue turned into an endless night.
  The stars shone above,
  Reminding me of a indelible pain.

What do you think?

:)

(When editing your work you must have some detachment. It is perhaps easier to edit the work of others.)

:)

[tachi]

hey
i just notice something
"Reminding me of a indelible pain"
should it be
"Reminding me of an indelible pain" ?

[Tdol]

It should be, but it's still not yellable territory.

[RonBee]

hey
i just notice something
"Reminding me of a indelible pain"
should it be
"Reminding me of an indelible pain" ?

Yes, you are right. It should be an indelible pain. Of course, as Tdol noted, it is nothing to yell about. :wink:

(Say: "I just noticed something.")
(Say: "Shouldn't it be....")

:)