Please, would you proofread my poem.

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Bassim

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Please, would you proofread my poem RIDERS ON THE STORM.

Riders on the Storm

I am twenty-two years old.
A refugee fleeing from bad luck.
My application for asylum has been refused.
They can throw me out of the country anytime
and give me a chance to taste a Communist prison camp.

It is a calm and starry summer night somewhere in Germany,
All windows open.
On the other side of the road, in a shabby little house,
live some outcasts and a brown mongrel dog.
They are drinking, probably taking drugs, and listening
Riders on the Storm.

I wish I could join them and escape my loneliness,
But I am timid and anxious like a helpless child.

Jim Morrison’s plaintive voice and dreamy music float above me,
Fading out and returning like the waves of a waste ocean.
They make my heart vibrating like a tuning fork.

Tonight I believe in a miracle.
Something will stop the arrival of dawn.
 
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JMurray

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Bassim.
You are not consistent about whether you start the next line after a comma with a capital or a lowercase letter. I have changed them to lowercase. The other changes probably speak for themselves. I'm OK with "anytime" here but there is an argument for "any time". I am not sure what you mean by "a waste ocean".. perhaps "a wasted ocean" would work better?

Riders on the Storm

I am twenty-two years old.
A refugee fleeing from bad luck.
My application for asylum has been refused.
They can throw me out of the country anytime
and give me a chance to taste a Communist prison camp.

It is a calm and starry summer night somewhere in Germany,
all windows open.
On the other side of the road, in a shabby little house,
live some outcasts and a brown mongrel dog.
They are drinking, probably taking drugs, and listening
to Riders on the Storm.

I wish I could join them and escape my loneliness,
but I am timid and anxious like a helpless child.

Jim Morrison’s plaintive voice and dreamy music float above me,
fading out and returning like the waves of a waste ocean.
They make my heart vibrate like a tuning fork.

Tonight I believe in a miracle.
Something will stop the arrival of dawn.
 

Bassim

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Joined
Mar 1, 2008
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Student or Learner
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Bosnian
Home Country
Bosnia Herzegovina
Current Location
Sweden
Dear JMurray,

Thank you very much for correcting my mistakes. Now I understand that I have made a mistake writing "waste" when I actually meant to write "a vast ocean."

All the best,
B.
 
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