what's wrong with my essay ?
Hi i'm new here and this my first time on the forum.
So this my story. Currently i'm doing an Access to HE course which is like same as a foundation year in University. Today i've had back my results of my History essay and my teacher's comment on it was ''you need to sort out your English ASAP if not you won't get top marks.'' To be honest i don't see any major problems in my essay . I've copied the paragraph of my essay. Can anyone see any major issues or can anyone help me understand what's wrong with it ?
The Steam Engine was part of the Industrialization. Prior that invention, everything was done by hands and mass production was not realized. First Steam Engine appeared in 1698(q) , then in 1712 Thomas Newcomen improved it. Although it was an improvement, it had many faults including wasted heat and fuel. James Watt improved Newcomen’s steam engine in 1785 he had done so by using heat more efficiently with less fuel (The history of Steam Engines, 2013).
Both coal and iron were crucial during the Industrial Revolution. Coal was used to power the steam engines and to make iron. Iron was used to improve machines and tools and also build bridges and ships. Transportation was more effective. New roads, railroads and canals were built. Transportation network helped to move raw materials and finished products .Steam power locomotives were the main inventions, they provided cheap and fast transportation from place to place. ‘’the new form of power, and no less, the new transmitting mechanisms were the pivot on which industry swung into the modern age’’ (Handouts).
Also it created massive social change. As the steam engines provided machineries in the factories, it resulted in reduction of labour and then a new social class was structured.
Factories that came up during the Industrial revolution changed the way people lived and worked. Many families moved to the cities in order to get work. As a result cities become more and more overcrowded. People usually lived in dirty and unhealthy places because of the pollution that came from factories. Also factory work created many problems for labours. Many factory people worked up to 16 hours a day for very little money, because factory owners wanted to keep production cost low. Men and young adults usually were employed at iron and steam mills, while women and children worked in new textile factories. Usually women got less paid than men. And the children labour was dramatic they worked same hours as gown up men or women. Many of them died at a very young age, in the factories there were no working rules for them. They worked with heavy machineries and sometimes got trapped there and left with bad injuries or even died. There was no union to protect them. Richard Oster called this a slavery system (Whitney).
Re: what's wrong with my essay ?
See above. My corrections to your post and to the first paragraph of your essay are in red. Your teacher is right - these errors will not lead to top marks.
Originally Posted by matt456