please check a memo

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ziawj2

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Please check the memo below to make it unified, coherent well developed.
Memorandum
To: All staff
From: Cloria dos Santos, Director
Date: December 8, 2012
Subject: Staff Christmas Party
Please notice that this year’s Christmas party will be December 18, from 11:00 to 15:00. We will be having a picnic in the park across the road. Your children and partners are welcome.
Please let Lily know by December 9 how many people from your family are coming. This will help with catering.
 

5jj

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British English
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Czech Republic
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I've made one small change. Otherwise it's fine, in my opinion.
MemorandumTo: All staff
From: Cloria dos Santos, Director
Date: December 8, 2012
Subject: Staff Christmas Party
Please not[STRIKE]ic[/STRIKE]e that this year’s Christmas party will be December 18, from 11:00 to 15:00. We will be having a picnic in the park across the road. Your children and partners are welcome.
Please let Lily know by December 9 how many people from your family are coming. This will help with catering.
If you wanted to be a little more informal, the body of the memo could read:

We look forward to welcoming you and your partners and children at our Christmas party, which will be held this year on December 18 from 11.00 to 15.00. We'll be having a picnic in the park across the road.
Please let Lily know by December 9 how many people from your family will be coming; this well help us with the catering arrangements. Thank you.
 

ziawj2

Member
Joined
Oct 3, 2010
Member Type
English Teacher
Native Language
Chinese
Home Country
China
Current Location
China
I've made one small change. Otherwise it's fine, in my opinion.If you wanted to be a little more informal, the body of the memo could read:

We look forward to welcoming you and your partners and children at our Christmas party, which will be held this year on December 18 from 11.00 to 15.00. We'll be having a picnic in the park across the road.
Please let Lily know by December 9 how many people from your family will be coming; this well help us with the catering arrangements. Thank you.

Are the following changes necessary?
1. Your family memebers are welcom to our Christmas party, which will be . . . .
I think "you and your partners and children" are a little wordy, so I change it to "family members" . And "we" is the first person pronoun which seems a little subjective, so I use the origianal objective as the subject in the above sentence.
2. Please notify Lily by December 9 . . . .
I think "let sb. know" is less formal than "notify".
 
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