My summer holiday (Please correct!)

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hai_lua_t2

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The last summer holiday that I just spent is extreme interesting and fascinating. It's held in the first of this September. I & my eight friends, all of us familiar in high school (???), traveled to Phan Thiet. We visited many well-known places such as: Duc Thanh school, Mui Ne beach, Ta Cu mountain, sand hill... These places gave me so many memories.

At first, we were off at 6AM and visited Duc Thanh school. This place was first school that HO CHI MINH taught before going to abroad save the Union. We heard many emotional stories about him and about the school such as: The history of school, How the Phan Thiet's citizens loved him. I was very surprised when I saw the tools of teaching were so simple and there were many fruit trees in the school.
 

Ann1977

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The last summer holiday that I just spent is extreme interesting and fascinating.
> extremeLY interesting
> "fascinating" is the same as "extremely interesting," so you don't say both
I just returned from a fascinating holiday.

It's held in the first of this September.
> It WAS held
> But you don't say "to HOLD a vacation or holiday."
> This little sentence should be part of the next sentence
On the first of September,

I & my eight friends, all of us familiar in high school (???), traveled to Phan Thiet.
> "my eight friends and I" usually
> "all of us from the same high school" would be a way to express this
I traveled with eight of my high school classmates to Phan Thiet.

We visited many well-known places such as:
> This is not the right use of the colon
> It would work after "places" (omitting "such as")
> or keep "such as" and omit the colon
We visited many well-known places, including

Duc Thanh school, Mui Ne beach, Ta Cu mountain, sand hill...
> All the words in a proper name should be capitalized
> the sentence does not need to trail off like that
Duc Thanh School, Mui Ne Beach, Ta Cu Mountain, and Sand Hill.

These places gave me so many memories.
> This idea is too weak to operate as a conclusion to this list
> Just delete this sentence

At first, we were off at 6AM and visited Duc Thanh school.
> This make it appear that you are going to list your tourist itinerary in chronological order.
> But since you don't, just delete this

NOTE: Relocate the last sentence here

This place was first school that HO CHI MINH taught
> THE first school
> that he taught "at" or "where he taught"
> do not use all caps for a proper name
The Duc Thanh school was where Ho Chi Minh first taught

before going abroad to save the Union.
(This is fine)

We heard many emotional stories about him and about the school such as:
> This is not a good use of the colon
> "such as" is used instead of a colon
> End the sentence after school
We heard many emotional stories about him and about the school.

The history of school, How the Phan Thiet's citizens loved him.
> now start this as a new sentence
We learned the history of the school and how the citizens of Phan Thiet loved Ho Chi Minh.

I was very surprised when I saw the tools of teaching were so simple and there were many fruit trees in the school.
> It's not good to end the passage on such a weak side note
> Instead, relocate this sentence back into the paragraph, as an introduction to your remarks about this school, not as a limp ending
> One of the most memorable places we visited was the Duc Thanh School, which is surrounded by fruit trees. It surprised me to see how simple the tools of teaching were.
 
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hai_lua_t2

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Continue:
After visiting Duc Thanh School, we continued traveling to Mui Ne Beach. We rest a rest room near the beach. All of us had to live in it, actually that's not comfortable but we're students so that's so-so (I need a better explanation). After resting, we went to the beach and began relaxing activities in the evening, including taking a bath, playing football on the beach, holding some funny game in the water and taking some pictures. Especially, we had a delicious meal with sea food (I need a more emphasis ).

In the night, we went along the beach, listened the sound of waves, felt the salted taste of sea that wings bought (more romantic) That feeling was so wonderful. Then we came back the room and went to bad at night.
 

Ann1977

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After visiting Duc Thanh School, we continued traveling to Mui Ne Beach.
After we visited Duc Thanh School, we went to Mui Ne Beach.

We rest a rest room near the beach.
> rentED
> In the US, a "rest room" means
RestRoom_Shortcut_BIG_300.gif
restroom.jpg


Dressing%20Rest%20Room%201.JPG



Maybe you should say,
We rented a hotel room (?) hostel (?) near the beach.


All of us had to live in it, actually that's not comfortable
It was pretty crowded with all of us living in it,

but we're students so that's so-so (I need a better explanation)
> so-so means "of indifferent quality"
but we're students, so what else could we do!

. After resting, we went to the beach and began relaxing activities in the evening,
We had fun at the beach.

including taking a bath, playing football on the beach, holding some funny game in the water and taking some pictures.
> Arrange these in a more interesting order
> ocean bathing is called "swimming" but here is where you "take a bath"

small-bathtubs.jpg



We have lots of pictures of ourselves swimming, playing football on the sand, and fooling around in the water.


Especially, we had a delicious meal with sea food (I need a more emphasis).
> Dear Student: You can get more emphasis by giving more details. Please list and describe some of the things you had to eat. Say how they smelled, how they looked, how they felt in your mouth.
> We had a delicious seafood dinner.

In the night, we went along the beach, listened the sound of waves, felt the salted taste of sea that wings bought (more romantic)
> wind not wings
> That evening, not "in the night"
That evening, we walked along the moonlit beach. We could taste the salty ocean air, and hear the "shush shush" of the waves touching the shore mingled with the whispers of the gentle sea breezes.

That feeling was so wonderful. Then we came back the room and went to bad at night.
> Don't end the paragraph on an anticlimax
> The readers can be trusted to assume that you went to bed at night
> Just delete this

DEAR STUDENT:

If there is going to be more than one paragraph, then the best way to write the first one changes a little. Here is how I would write the first one (from your previous post) as part of a longer essay, rather than an isolated paragraph:

I just returned from a fascinating holiday. On the first of September, I traveled with eight of my high school classmates to Phan Thiet. We visited many well-known places, including Duc Thanh School, Mui Ne Beach, Ta Cu Mountain, and Sand Hill. Our first stop was the Duc Thanh School, in its setting of fruit trees. This is where Ho Chi Minh first taught before going abroad to save the Union. I was surprised to see how simple the tools of teaching were. We heard many emotional stories about him and about the school. We learned the history of the school and how the citizens of Phan Thiet loved Ho Chi Minh.
 
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hai_lua_t2

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Dear Ann1977!
Actually, I don't know how I should say. I really appreciate what you did for me. I was learned many things. Maybe there are many difference between VN culture and US culture so I still misunderstand some English words. But I'm going to try writing more and more to improve my English writing skill and using word skill.
Thanks for your helping!
 
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Ann1977

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Dear Ann1977!
Actually, I don't know how I should say. I really appreciate what you did for me. I was learned many things. Maybe there are many difference between VN culture and US culture so I still misunderstand some English words. But I'm going to try writing more and more to improve my English writing skill and using word skill.
Thanks for your helping!


Sure there are many differences. People learning a new language expect to use the wrong word a lot. It must always be that way.

I'm glad I am able to help. :)



I hope you will write a description of the food you had at that delicious seafood dinner.
> Don't just write "good, tasty, delicious"
> Write "crisp, sweet, soft, tender, smokey, salty, sour, hot, creamy. . ." etc
> Write "green, steaming, colored red and pink, piled up, blue bowl . . ."

People LOVE to read about good things to eat.

If you ever want to make your readers happy that they have read something you wrote, be sure to put in something good to eat!! :-D
 

hai_lua_t2

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Sure there are many differences. People learning a new language expect to use the wrong word a lot. It must always be that way.

I'm glad I am able to help. :)



I hope you will write a description of the food you had at that delicious seafood dinner.
> Don't just write "good, tasty, delicious"
> Write "crisp, sweet, soft, tender, smokey, salty, sour, hot, creamy. . ." etc
> Write "green, steaming, colored red and pink, piled up, blue bowl . . ."

People LOVE to read about good things to eat.

If you ever want to make your readers happy that they have read something you wrote, be sure to put in something good to eat!! :-D
Dear teacher
I tried so much but I don't know about cooking much. So my cooking vocabulary is limited. I need more time to learn some example about cooking. Maybe one or two day I'll finish the paragraph.
Thank for your proposal!
 

Ann1977

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Dear teacher
I tried so much but I don't know about cooking much. So my cooking vocabulary is limited. I need more time to learn some example about cooking. Maybe one or two day I'll finish the paragraph.
Thank for your proposal!

Okay.

In the meantime, please feel free to post a paragraph about the next place you visited -- Ta Cu Mountain, right?

I'm dying to hear the details of your visits to such lovely and exotic places. I wish I could see these places too. I visit them in my imagination by reading your descriptions.
 

hai_lua_t2

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In the next morning, we had to get up early. All of us felt very tired because we walked and swam too much in the previous day. But that tired feeling was disappeared rapidly because we was going to be off Ta Cu mountain in which we were hopping so much. At there, we had a lot of memories.


We went up the mountain by cable and were looked everything from above, were breathed fresh air. You know, we were in the cliff of Ta Cu, the fog appeared and the air became cool. This is the first time we were known how the feeling was in fog. It's wonderful. We imagined that we were living in the heaven.

01-08-2009_031534.jpg

The cable in Ta Cu

We visited many pagodas and statues.Especially, we were seen the biggest lying statue of Vietnam in the peak of mountain. We also had many activities including hiking, taking picture, visiting pagodas and praying for lucky will come to us. With myself, I like playing with children in pagoda best. They were so lovely and naive... (more...)

ta%20cu.jpg


nuitacu.jpg
The biggest lying statues in Ta Cu

We went down the mountain about 2PM after staying there over 3 hours. Normally, we were going to go down by cable as every body but we did not have enough money to rent cable longer. We must go down by our feet. Let you imagine, you go down a mountain which is covered by jungle just with 9 people. Nobody know you are there, nobody... If you must face to face with a dangerous animal, what will you do while you don't have any weapon to protect yourself? It's rain and you don't any thing can cover, the dark is spreading. You don't have a map so you don't know where is your destination, when you reach it... Slippery road just has large rock, you must pass them and certainly it can make you fall anytime. (I need to emphasize here) It look like an adventure that you usually hear in old stories, doesn't it? That's too dangerous. For all that, all of us spent things like that... also Like a old story too. Actually, we didn't prepare in this case but fortunately, it brought us so many emotions. Worry, scare when we were in the jungle, happy to cry when you reached destination(??? I can't express how my emotion is...)... (more emphasize here)There were many things to tell. It will take a lot of time to tell about the trip. Maybe I'm going to stop here...
1235315516.img.jpg
Where We walked is like this jungle​
 

Ann1977

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Look up ^^^ I reset the lines away from "centered" to "left margin."

Dear Hai Lua ~
This was EXCELLENT! What a good story! And thank you for the beautiful pictures.
~ Ann
---------------------------------------------------

In the next morning, we had to get up early. All of us felt very tired because we walked and swam too much in the previous day. But that tired feeling was disappeared rapidly because we was going to be off Ta Cu mountain in which we were hopping so much.
> Not "In" the next morning
> the feeling disappeared rapidly, not "was" disappeared
> we WERE, never "we WAS"
The next morning, we had to get up early. We were still tired from all the walking and swimming we had done the day before. But we got right over it because we were off to Ta Cu Mountain, which we were eagerly looking forward to.


At there, we had a lot of memories.
> This doesn't work as a topic sentence.

We went up the mountain by cable.
> This works well as the first sentence. This paragraph is a list of acts in sequence, so the first action is the best start.We went up the mountain by cable.

and were looked everything from above, were breathed fresh air.

We breathed in the fresh air and we looked down at everything from our great height.

You know, we were in the cliff of Ta Cu, the fog appeared and the air became cool.
When we reached the cliffs of Ta Cu, the air got cool and fog appeared.

This is the first time we were known how the feeling was in fog.
This was the first time we got to feel how it is to be in fog.

It's wonderful.
It was wonderful.

We imagined that we were living in the heaven.
> in Heaven, not in THE heaven
> Possibly you mean that it was how you imagine it is to live in Heaven
> Or possibly you mean that you pretended that you were living in Heaven
We imagined that we were living in Heaven.


01-08-2009_031534.jpg

The cable in Ta Cu

We visited many pagodas and statue.
> statueS
> too generic and vague, not worth saying

Especially, we were seen the biggest lying statue of Vietnam in the peak of mountain.
(relocate this line down one)

We also had many activities including hiking, taking picture, visiting pagodas and praying for lucky will come to us.
> Just mention the most interesting things, rather than write a list
We visited the pagodas and prayed that luck would come to us.

(relocated from above to here)
Especially, we were seen the biggest lying statue of Vietnam in the peak of mountain.
> "we saw" not "we were seen"
At the peak of the mountain we saw the biggest lying statue of Buddha in all of Vietnam.

With myself, I like playing with children in pagoda best. They were so lovely and naive...
> "naive" may not be the right word
> The sentence shouldn't really trickle off like that with ...
> But in this case, I think it should sray
The best part for me was playing with the children in the pagodas. They were so lovely and naive...

ta%20cu.jpg


nuitacu.jpg
The biggest lying statues in Ta Cu

We went down the mountain about 2PM after staying there over 3 hours.
We started down the mountain about 2 pm, after staying for more than three hours.

Normally, we were going to go down by cable as every body but we did not have enough money to rent cable longer.
We would have gone back down in the cable car like everyone else, but we didn't have enough money for the fares.

We must go down by our feet.
> This is not how the idea would usually be expresse
> But really, I much prefer your way of writing it.
So we had to climb down.

Let you imagine, you go down a mountain which is covered by jungle just with 9 people. Nobody know you are there, nobody...
Nine teenage girls climbing down a mountain covered in jungle. Nobody knew we were there, nobody ...

If you must face to face with a dangerous animal, what will you do while you don't have any weapon to protect yourself?
> "to face" is a verb but the verb you are using is "to come face to face"
We had no way to protect ourselves from wild animals.

It's rain and you don't any thing can cover,
We had no way to cover ourselves from the rain

the dark is spreading.
and the dark was spreading.
(NOTE: I don't think this is exactly how the idea would usually be expressed, but in this case, the novelty and charm of what you wrote deserve to be preserved rather then diminished by converting the idea into stock phrases.)

You don't have a map so you don't know where is your destination, when you reach it...
Without a map, we didn't know which way to go. We didn't even know if we were getting near our destination.

Slippery road just has large rock, you must pass them and certainly it can make you fall anytime.
The road was slippery and blocked with huge boulders. We were in danger of falling every time we climbed past one.

(I need to emphasize here)
> I made short sentences with short words.
> I didn't use complex or compound sentences much
> That makes reading fast and speedy
> This is the kind of writing that best matches an exciting or scary event

It look like an adventure that you usually hear in old stories, doesn't it? That's too dangerous. For all that, all of us spent things like that... also Like a old story too. Actually, we didn't prepare in this case but fortunately, it brought us so many emotions.
> Don't slow your story down in the middle with reflections and philosophy
> At least, not without a GOOD ARTISTIC REASON for postponing the end of the story

Worry, scare when we were in the jungle, happy to cry when you reached destination
We were so scared the whole time we were in the jungle that we sobbed in relief as soon as we were safe.

(??? I can't express how my emotion is...)... (more emphasize here)
> The way to handle this problem is to "TELL IT" -- not "tell ABOUT it."
> Instead of saying, "I felt so sad," it is better to say "Tears slid down my cheeks."
> Instead of saying, "I was happy," it is better to say "I laughed and sang all morning long, and as I went about my chores, a smile never left my lips."

There were many things to tell. It will take a lot of time to tell about the trip. Maybe I'm going to stop here...
> This weak ending is unnecessary.
> You can just stop at the logical stopping place (what you did when you were finally safe)
> Or in this case, you could use one of the lines from your "reflections" that got in the middle of the story (those thoughts usually belong at the end)
It was like an adventure you hear in old stories.

1235315516.img.jpg
Where We walked is like this jungle​



The "cloud forest" biome is considered one of the most enchanting on earth
EQ_Misty-CloudForest-01-EMELEG.jpg
 

hai_lua_t2

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Dear Ann!
At first I wanna say: Thank you so much. You must have been a very nice person so you do that.
I so sorry because of my major. There are many exercises have to do, I didn't have enough time to review your response and also to study English. I'm a senior student. Assignments, home works... they are come continuously. Actually, I want to study English so much but I can't... I hope you understand for me...
Student!

Tis is an apology letter that I thought by myself.

Dear....
I really apology for that everything were happened. In fact, I couldn't control my feeling at that time, I was too angry to keep the calm and said the things that I shouldn't say. The words were bad and I realize that I were a bad boy. I know that you were so sad and you cried , cried so much. And I were too. It's so difficult to overcome this hurt. That was such a stupid action, wasn't it? Now when I have enough time to see everything again, I really feel regret but too late. I don't hope you forgive but I just want to let you seen it as an accident. That is everything that I want to say with you. Please understand for me!
Sincerely yours
Hopefully, you're going to spend a little of your time to correct of words and sentences in this response. Have a good day!
 

Ann1977

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Joined
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Member Type
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Dear Ann!
At first I wanna say: Thank you so much. You must have been a very nice person so you do that.
I so sorry because of my major. There are many exercises have to do, I didn't have enough time to review your response and also to study English. I'm a senior student. Assignments, home works... they are come continuously. Actually, I want to study English so much but I can't... I hope you understand for me...
Student!

Yes, I understand.

LOL! Students don't ever have enough time or money!

Tis is an apology letter that I thought by myself.

Dear....
I really apology for that everything were happened. In fact, I couldn't control my feeling at that time, I was too angry to keep the calm and said the things that I shouldn't say. The words were bad and I realize that I were a bad boy. I know that you were so sad and you cried , cried so much. And I were too. It's so difficult to overcome this hurt. That was such a stupid action, wasn't it? Now when I have enough time to see everything again, I really feel regret but too late. I don't hope you forgive but I just want to let you seen it as an accident. That is everything that I want to say with you. Please understand for me!
Sincerely yours
Hopefully, you're going to spend a little of your time to correct of words and sentences in this response. Have a good day!

This is a good letter, warmly emotional and appropriate. It captures the way people really do feel after something like this happens.
--------------

Dear....

I really apology for that everything were happened.
I really apologize for everything that happened.

In fact, I couldn't control my feeling at that time,
The fact is that I couldn't control my feelings at the time.

I was too angry to keep the calm and said the things that I shouldn't say.
I was too angry to keep calm, and I said things I should not have said.

The words were bad and I realize that I were a bad boy.
My words were bad, and I realize that I was wrong to say them.

I know that you were so sad and you cried , cried so much. And I were too.
I know that you were sad, and that you cried. I was sad and crying too.

It's so difficult to overcome this hurt.
(this is good)

That was such a stupid action, wasn't it?
It was a dumb thing for me to do, wasn't it.

Now when I have enough time to see everything again, I really feel regret but too late.
Now that I can reflect on what happened, I am remorseful -- but too late.

I don't hope you forgive but I just want to let you seen it as an accident.
I don't expect you to forgive me, but I wanted to let you know it was an accident.

That is everything that I want to say with you.
That's all I wanted to tell you.

understand for me!
I hope you understand.

Sincerely yours
 

hai_lua_t2

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Dear teacher!
This is the paragraph tell about good points of computer in barking. And I hope you will correct it

Today, computer has been helping human in banking exchange so much. Many years ago, when the computer was not still invented, you wanted withdraw money your account, you had to go to the bank absolutely. Let you imagine, if you lived in a rural area where wasn't have bank, what would you do to withdraw money? You had to move a long distance to city far way to see a bank and clearly, in this case, that is too inconvenient and difficult for you. But now that is not exist longer. You can withdraw your money anywhere that you want and don't need to go to the bank by your credit card. Other hand, you don't also need to keep a lot of cash beside yourself. You just keep your credit card. If someone stole your credit card, he can't also have your money because it was protected by a password that only you can open it. It's so safe, isn't it? This is a good point of computer in banking. And there are many many other features that we are still unknown that computer can do in banking.
 
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