need your help about my essay!

When I was 11 years old, I went to the pool. I used to go there all the time. One day, I went there with my brother and my friends, it was scary day. At 5 p.m. I jumped into the pool and drowned. In this essay, I am going to tell you what happened to me during that drowning, and what happened after that. Also, I will talk about why I loved swimming after a couple of months.

On that day, all people went outside because it was a nice day, but I went to the pool, I was happy there, and I thought that I was professional swimmer, but in fact I did not like it. I ran towards the pool and I jumped into it, I was shocked that I couldn’t swim very well, so I was immersed in the pool at the bottom. At the last moment, my brother jumped towards me and saved me by getting me out of the pool.

However, I went to the hospital and stayed there for a week. During that time I told myself that I will never go back to that pool forever. Indeed, I did not swim again, for a long period of time. Then my own thinking was changed about that idea. Actually, I missed the pool and I told myself that I had to swim again. Before I went back, I went to someone to teach me how to swim perfectly. I started to learn for five months and then I loved swimming, because I managed to learn how to swim.

In conclusion, I loved swimming and I went to the pool once or more in a week, My tip or advice to you reader is do not try to swim if you do not have any background in it.

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I need your help if I have any mistake in it. Also, if I have to change a way to say something. Thanks a lot!

need your help about my essay!

When I was 11 years old, I went to the pool. Actually, I used to go there all the time. One day, I went there with my brother and my friends; it was a scary day. At 5 p.m. I jumped into the pool and nearly drowned. In this essay, I am going to tell you what happened to me during that incident, and what happened after that. Also, I will talk about whether or not I loved swimming after a couple of months in spite of this accident.

On that day, all people went outside because it was a nice day, but I went to the pool, I was happy there, and I thought that I was a professional swimmer, but in fact, my first performance proved that it was not true, and I did not like swimming anymore. I ran towards the pool and jumped into it, and then I was shocked that I couldn’t swim well so that I sank to the bottom of the pool. At the last moment, my brother jumped towards me and saved me by getting me out of the pool.

However, I had to go to the hospital and stay there for a week. During that time I told myself that I will never again go back to that pool [STRIKE]forever[/STRIKE]. Indeed, I did not swim again, for a long period of time. Then my own thinking was changed about that idea. That is why I missed the pool and I told myself that I had to swim again. Before I went back, I had gone to someone to teach me how to swim perfectly. I started to learn for five months and since then I loved swimming again, because I managed to gain the skills I needed. .
In conclusion, I loved swimming and I went to the pool once [STRIKE]or more in[/STRIKE] a week or more. My tip or advice to you reader is do not try to swim if you do not have any background in it.

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februar, no teacher

februar said:

need your help about my essay!

When I was 11 years old, I went to the pool. Actually, I used to go there all the time. One day, I went there with my brother and my friends; it was a scary day. At 5 p.m. I jumped into the pool and nearly drowned. In this essay, I am going to tell you what happened to me during that incident, and what happened after that. Also, I will talk about whether or not I loved swimming after a couple of months in spite of this accident.

On that day, all people went outside because it was a nice day, but I went to the pool, I was happy there, and I thought that I was a professional swimmer, but in fact, my first performance proved that it was not true, and I did not like swimming anymore. I ran towards the pool and jumped into it, and then I was shocked that I couldn’t swim well "so" I sank to the bottom of the pool. At the last moment, my brother jumped towards me and saved me by getting me out of the pool.
"So" is used to talk about a result. However, "so that" is used to talk about a purpose.

However, I had to go to the hospital and stay there for a week. During that time I told myself that I will never again go back to that pool [STRIKE]forever[/STRIKE] (you can also say "I told myself that I won't go back there anymore"). Indeed, I did not swim again, for a long period of time. Then my own thinking was changed about that idea (you can also say "I changed my mind about it"). That is why I missed the pool and I told myself that I had to swim again. Before I went back, I had gone to someone to teach me how to swim perfectly. I started to learn for five months and since then I loved swimming again, because I managed to gain the skills I needed. .
In conclusion, I loved swimming and I went to the pool once [STRIKE]or more in[/STRIKE] a week or more. My tip or advice to you reader is do not try to swim if you do not have any background in it.(My advice to you is not to try to swim if you don't have any backgrounds in it)
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februar, no teacher

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@februar, you did great, but if you don't mind I add some more.