[Essay] Can someone Read my IELTS essay and Give me a BandScore

CodeKadiya said:

The mass media, including TV, radio, and newspapers have a great influence in shaping people’s ideas. To what extent do you agree or disagree. Give reasons for your answer.

In the present age, the debate over the influence of mass media such as television, radio and newspapers have sparked
"debate ... has sparked" or "debates ... have sparked"
a great deal of controversy. among the older and the younger generations.
This dividing people up into older and younger people seems entirely unmotivated. The topic doesn't mention this, and you don't elaborate. You might as well say "among both men and women" or "among both the working and non-working classes". Anything like this is irrelevant, unless it's an issue in the essay. You mean "among people", which is not necessary to write, because only people are influenced by the media.
It's padding, and the examiner will identify it as such.

In spite of some beliefs that the advancing media has caused a negative impact on shaping people’s ideas, many are of the opinion that it does have its advantages.
I've now read your introduction and I still don't know where you stand on the issue. This shouldn't happen. You're missing a thesis statement, such as "I (or 'this essay') will argue that the effect has been substantial".

A convincing argument in favour of the mass media of today is that it allows people across the globe to communicate swiftly. Newspapers and television have [STRIKE]formed [/STRIKE] evolved? to be the best source of [STRIKE]transporting[/STRIKE] transmitting information around the world, which in effect furnish people with current affairs. In addition, documentary programmes on television[STRIKE]s[/STRIKE] convey a wide range of information that can positively shape a person’s ideas and beliefs. What is more, with the ever growing health issues in [STRIKE]the [/STRIKE]society today, such as heart problems, obesity and blood pressure, people are shifting towards good/improved nutrition and with the aid of newspaper articles and television programmes people have begun to live in [STRIKE]good [/STRIKE] better health. Similarly, the mass media assist the society to be further conscious of diseases and illnesses through various television programmes, advertisements and newspaper articles.
On the other hand, a common point supporting the argument of the negative impacts of mass media is the exposure of today’s generation towards harmful scenes on television or newspaper articles. Acts of crime and violence are easily grasped by people who in turn attempt to imitate them due to the fact that simply [STRIKE]by[/STRIKE] watching or reading the scenario has shaped that person’s perception.
If you leave in 'by', then "has shaped" is left without a subject - unless you put a comma after 'reading', in which case "the scenario" could become the subject.

Furthermore, people have begun impersonating movie stars and singers through media to the extent that even dressing up as a gangster is widespread. Moreover, songs on the radio that give out a negative impact on a person has increased considerably where certain words have become quite common in their vocabulary.

In conclusion, considering the above facts it would be fair to claim that the mass media has caused a substantial influence on the views and perceptions of people today. Even though its negative impacts are much the same as its advantages,
Perhaps you mean that the advantages are "equal to" the disadvantages? They are not "the same".
if we further analyse this we can concede that the mass media has proved to be vastly [STRIKE]valuable[/STRIKE] influencial.
The topic is whether the mass media has beena great influence, not a great benefit.

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