[Essay] Essay Proofreading!! Please help me out with my Eng essay! Prostitution!!

thangkhung33 said:

Prostitution is a big business, and it has been spreading out really strong [Not a colloquial phrase] . That’s why many people stay in [STRIKE]to[/STRIKE] this sex industry, although it mentioned the oldest oppression.
Haha, that's good. But it's "the world's oldest profession". Was your pun intentional?
Anyway, the last clause doesn't follow.

If prostitution was legal and regulated by government, it could open up a whole new area in our economy: "Increase in tax revenue".
"Increase in tax revenue" is not a whole new area in the economy, so you can't put it after a colon.
Of course, the most [STRIKE]component[/STRIKE] [?] making money from women is pimps or gangs who dominate a/the prostitute’s world. According to Cornell notes, experts estimate that more than 90% of the girls are connected to a pimp and they are head controllers. The girls are head controllers?
If the country legalizes prostitution, the government can regulate the gangs and make money from prostitutes throughout taxes. Not all the Johns ("Clients" might be better in a formal essay) come to a prostitute for sex, they need more than that which is girlfriend's experience. (They need a girlfriend? They need the experience of having a girlfriend? Girlfriends are more experienced than prostitutes? It's not clear what you mean.)
They can spend a large amount of money for the girl and [STRIKE]they ar[/STRIKE]e be happy, so where the money go if they do business underground. Again, this clause doesn't follow. There's no "so" involved. It's a non sequitur.
It can become “black cash” and make the gangs [STRIKE]are[/STRIKE] stronger. For instance, in a Nevada brothel, Max was a legal prostitute and got paid $20,000 by one male client for one entire night. Because it’s legal, she pays taxes that would be win-win situation for her and the government. With that amount of money, the government should receive at least 10% that equals $2,000 in income taxes. It is just from one girl in one night. Can we imagine the amount of all the prostitutes’ taxes that government can collect? The video [?] want American to feel happy because government stops using their tax money to spend on catching and eliminating prostitution and make more benefits from them. Prostitution will be never eradicate so why don’t we just legalize it and they can trigger the economic? This will stimulate the economy, generate significant tax revenue, and help to give the unemployed an additional legal profession to enter. Now let’s look at another effect. With fewer prostitution arrests, the courts will be freed up to prosecute harmful offenders, jail cells will be freed up to house the harmful offenders. Less tax-dollar will be wasted on stings and can be properly funneled into more appropriate police activities.

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