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    xixinh is offline Newbie
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    Default [Ask Teacher] Teacher, please help me to correct my essay.

    Topic: Some people think that government should spend as much money as possible on developing or buying computer technology. Other people disagree and think that money should be spent on more basic needs. Which one of these opinions do you agree with? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

    One of the major of government is to serve people, therefore, every decision effects directly to all citizens. Giving an amount of money, government should develop computer technology or spend this money on basic need. In my opinion, I support the latter because computer technology is not profitable, transportation need to improve and there are many people need helping from government.

    When government develops computer-related, they need a huge investment and also its only use for long term planning. However, this plan brings more risks than normal because there are lots of computer-related company went bankrupt in the past. This means it is very easy to get nothing if government uses money to develop or buy computer technology. In the end, the promise of improving citizen life will not be able to complete.

    Besides that, the transportation is going to falling apart and really need to improve. For example, the roads are worse and worse after long time existing, the bridges are also having cracks which are very easy to collapse and the public transportation means are not enough to serve the people living in the city. Therefore, the most important thing is that we need to invest to transportation, one of the basic need, immediately.
    In additional, there are more than two third of the poor living under the living standard, they really need supporting by the money of government. For example, the poor need food, clean water, health care, education which they havenít been provided enough so far. Hence, we need to use the giving money for a better life of the poor instead of using this to develop computer.

    In a short, computer technology is not a good choice for us to improve the life of people in the country. Government should concentrate on the basis need to pretend the risk, develop the transportation and help the poverties.

  2. #2
    csheywood's Avatar
    csheywood is offline Member
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    Default Re: [Ask Teacher] Teacher, please help me to correct my essay.

    [QUOTE=xixinh;493808]Topic: Some people think that government should spend as much money as possible on developing or buying computer technology. Other people disagree and think that money should be spent on more basic needs. Which one of these opinions do you agree with? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.
    One reason I am correcting this essay is because you gave the original question and it saves me thinking about what the theme is likely to be.
    One of the major major what? eg: major roles/responsibilites of government is to serve people, therefore, every decision effects directly to all citizens affects (verb) all citizens directly. Giving When giving an amount of money, government should develop computer technology or spend this money on basic need do you mean that governments cannot spend on both? In my opinion, I support the latter because computer technology is not profitable, transportation needs to improve and there are many people who need helping from government.

    When government develops computer-related again, the noun is missing, they need a huge investment and also its only used for long term planning. The sentence is unclear because it is not easy to see what the words 'they' and 'its' refers to. However, this plan brings more risks than normal because there are lots of computer-related companyies that went bankrupt in the past. (1) This means it is very easy to get nothing if government uses money to develop or buy computer technology. In the end, the promise of improving citizen life will not be able to complete be completed.

    Besides that You started a new paragraph so 'Secondly, the transportation is going to falling apart and really needs to improve. For example, the roads are worse and worse after long time existing, the bridges are also having also have cracks which are very easy to collapse may collapse and the public transportation means are not enough to serve the people living in the city. Therefore, the most important thing is that we need to invest to in transportation, one of the basic needs of society, immediately.
    In additional, there are more than two third of the poor living under below the living standard, (1) Start a new sentence here or use a ; they really need supporting by the money of government government funding . For example, the poor need food, clean water, health care, and education which they havenít been provided enough so far. Hence, we need to use the giving money investment (2) for a better life of the poor instead of using this to develop computer technology.(2)

    In a short, computer technology(2) is not a good choice for us to improve the life of people in the country. Government should concentrate on the basis need to pretend the risk, develop the transportation and help the poverties.
    [/QUOTE|

    You have clearly organised the ideas which is an important part of answering. I have made corrections related to grammar since some of the sentences are hard to follow when they are quite long.
    (1) In these answers be careful when you write absolute statements when you don't give a reference. Notice I suggested 'bridges may collapse'.
    (2) Do you know any other expressions that refer to the same thing.
    eg Information and communication technology (ITC). You are being tested on your vocabulary too so it helps if you can use different expressions.
    I hope this helps.

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