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  1. Ever Student's Avatar
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      • Interested in Language
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      • Persian
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      • Iran
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    #1

    Question Distance paragraph and your editing please

    "Distance"

    Being away from dearest friends, people try to fill this space with the gifts that the friends gave them before. The covering of a book indicating the friend's fingerprints reminds someone of him. As searching amid the sentences, anybody is looking for his dear. He is waiting for someday his friend comes back soon. This space could be filled with dreams come after sleeping. Thinking of the moment of visiting within the sweet dream makes every dark spot vivid. Perhaps, only a phone number makes someone break the ice and refresh old sweet days. Raising and falling of saying "hello" on the phone melts the ice has been covering the diary for many years.

    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Retired English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • English
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      • United States
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      • United States

    • Join Date: Jul 2009
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    #2

    Re: Distance paragraph and your editing please

    Quote Originally Posted by taghavi View Post
    "Distance"

    Being away from dearest friends, people try to fill this space with the gifts that the friends gave them before. The covering of a book indicating the friend's fingerprints reminds someone of him. As searching amid the sentences, anybody is looking for his dear. He is waiting for someday his friend comes back soon. This space could be filled with dreams come after sleeping. Thinking of the moment of visiting within the sweet dream makes every dark spot vivid. Perhaps, only a phone number makes someone break the ice and refresh old sweet days. Raising and falling of saying "hello" on the phone melts the ice has been covering the diary for many years.
    The overall idea of this paragraph is very good! I might say it like this:

    Being away from close friends causes a person to surround one's self with gifts that friends gave them before. A book once held by a friend is a constant reminder of his presence. Searching between the sentences, one searches for that someone hoping that someday his friend will return. This space is filled with dreams that make the dark vivid. Perhaps, it is a phone number that provokes someone to break the ice and make a phone call to refresh the old sweet days. Picking up the phone to say "hello" can melt the ice that has been covering the diary for many years.

    This is a basic rewrite of what you have without changing anything dramatically. I just wanted to give you an idea of the sentence structure and flow of the language. If I reworked it further, it might look as follows:

    Being away from a close friend is difficult. Sometimes we tend to surround ourselves with gifts that we have received from them. A certain book might be remind us that the friend had held it and has left their fingerprints on it. This dark time is filled with vivid dreams. Perhaps, a phone number will provoke someone to break the ice and make a phone call to renew the memories. Picking up the phone to say "hello" can melt the ice that has been covering the diary for many years.

  2. Ever Student's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Interested in Language
      • Native Language:
      • Persian
      • Home Country:
      • Iran
      • Current Location:
      • Iran

    • Join Date: Aug 2008
    • Posts: 1,059
    • Post Thanks / Like
    #3

    Re: Distance paragraph and your editing please

    Hello,
    Thanks for your revising. I learned a lot.

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