Results 1 to 7 of 7
  1. #1
    Ever Student's Avatar
    Ever Student is offline Senior Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Interested in Language
      • Native Language:
      • Persian
      • Home Country:
      • Iran
      • Current Location:
      • Iran
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Posts
    1,059
    Post Thanks / Like

    Cool Please Edit my paragraph

    "Freedom"

    A fly is flying around my head, it came just through the window. Now it's leaving me alone towards a cutain hanging on the kitchen. A flower basket set on the table and the fly throws itself at the basket. Let me see another place which it wants to sit. A garbage bin in the corner of the kitchen is a good condition to be taken up by a fly. To sit there, it goes around back my head and told me it is able to do everything it likes and my permission has not any role in this play. After ending the project, this little creature is going to leave the house through a wide open door.

  2. #2
    rocking is offline Junior Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Academic
      • Native Language:
      • Chinese
      • Home Country:
      • China
      • Current Location:
      • China
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Posts
    67
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Please Edit my paragraph

    Hello, at first reading, I found the verb tenses a little confusing. so I made some changes. The corrections are in blue and green (for an alternative). The red wordings are problematic - you need another synonym of place and rest.

    yours was interesting observations.
    "Freedom"

    A fly is/was flying around my head, it had just came just through the window. Now it's leaving me alone towards a cutain hanging on the kitchen. A flower basket set/sits on the table and the fly throws itself at the basket. Let me see another place which it wants to sit. A garbage bin in the corner of the kitchen is a good condition to be taken up by a fly (??). To sit there, it goes around back/comes back over my head and told /tells me it is able to do everything it likes and my permission has not any role in this/its play/game. After ending the project, this little creature is going to leave the house through a wide open door.

  3. #3
    Ever Student's Avatar
    Ever Student is offline Senior Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Interested in Language
      • Native Language:
      • Persian
      • Home Country:
      • Iran
      • Current Location:
      • Iran
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Posts
    1,059
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Please Edit my paragraph

    Thank you for your editing,
    I mean "a garbage is a good place to be occupied by a fly".

    Now would you please take a glance at "suspending" paragraph.
    Nobody has edited it yet.

  4. #4
    Raymott's Avatar
    Raymott is online now VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Academic
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • Australia
      • Current Location:
      • Australia
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Posts
    18,276
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Please Edit my paragraph

    Quote Originally Posted by taghavi View Post
    "Freedom"

    A fly is flying around my head; it just came through the window. Now it's leaving me alone towards a curtain hanging on the kitchen. A flower basket sits on the table and the fly throws itself at the basket. Let me see another place which where it wants to sit. A garbage bin in the corner of the kitchen is a good condition place to be taken up by a fly. To sit there, it goes around back my head and tells me it is able to do everything it likes and my permission has not any role in this play choice. After ending the project, this little creature is going to leave the house through a wide open door.
    Make sure you keep the tense the same. This passage is primarily in the present tense, so you can't just put a past tense phrase in somewhere.
    Last edited by Raymott; 23-Jul-2009 at 02:55. Reason: Change someone to somewhere

  5. #5
    Ever Student's Avatar
    Ever Student is offline Senior Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Interested in Language
      • Native Language:
      • Persian
      • Home Country:
      • Iran
      • Current Location:
      • Iran
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Posts
    1,059
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Please Edit my paragraph

    Hello,
    Thanks alot.
    I will try to do your order.

  6. #6
    Raymott's Avatar
    Raymott is online now VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Academic
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • Australia
      • Current Location:
      • Australia
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Posts
    18,276
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Please Edit my paragraph

    Quote Originally Posted by taghavi View Post
    Hello,
    Thanks alot.
    I will try to do your order.
    It's a suggestion or some advice, not an order.
    An order is something that a policeman tells you to do.

    "I will try to follow your advice".
    "I will try to follow your suggestions".

  7. #7
    Ever Student's Avatar
    Ever Student is offline Senior Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Interested in Language
      • Native Language:
      • Persian
      • Home Country:
      • Iran
      • Current Location:
      • Iran
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Posts
    1,059
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Please Edit my paragraph

    Yes, I will follow your advice. Thanks
    Would you please take a glance at my "Suspending" paragraph that I sent before. I need your help.

Similar Threads

  1. who can edit this paragraph ?
    By remas in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: 27-Apr-2009, 20:06
  2. Could you please edit this paragraph?
    By Mohammed Abu Risha in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 06-Oct-2008, 12:29
  3. Edit my paragraph plz
    By sadness in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 27-Apr-2008, 03:28
  4. Urgently edit my paragraph
    By esophea in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 15-May-2007, 02:11
  5. Plz help edit my paragraph
    By esophea in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 14-May-2007, 07:57

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
Hotchalk