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  1. #1
    lq5918 is offline Newbie
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    Default can pls help me edit my paragraph..thank you

    i will show great gratitude if u can just spend a few minutes to take a look at my paragraph. it s from one of my essay.. i m supposed to describe a apprehensive person who was struck by another crestfallen moment and he cannot take it then fainted.

    Aaron came from a single-parent family. Life has been so unfair to him when a sickening car accident paralyzed his mother’s limbs. Aaron became the only breadwinner in the family and he had to eked out a living after school periods. Since then, he seemed to be overtaken by the extreme anxiety and more, the agitation. He was nervy all the time , worrying his scholarship application , his mother’s wellbeing or the “haunting” medical bills. Everyday in school, he staggered around like a zombie with tormented soul. Peers started to isolate him as they thought Aaron was suffering from paranoid schizophrenia—which his conditions might have subscribed to the symptoms. Being skeptical about people around him, his cadaverous face has shown the delusion towards the rest. He tended to connect things happening to fate and all of that has made him highly-strung. That is why there was one time, he really ruptured his tensed nerve and that stopped him from striving for his mum and, his life.


    thank you so much..

  2. #2
    sarat_106 is offline Key Member
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    Exclamation Re: can pls help me edit my paragraph..thank you

    Quote Originally Posted by lq5918 View Post
    i will show great gratitude if u can just spend a few minutes to take a look at my paragraph. it s from one of my essay.. i m supposed to describe a apprehensive person who was struck by another crestfallen moment and he cannot take it then fainted.

    Aaron came from a single-parent family. Life has been so cruel/unfair to him when a fateful/sickening car accident paralyzed his mother’s limbs. Aaron became the only breadwinner in the family and he had to eked out a living by working after school hours/periods. Since then, he seemed to be overtaken by the extreme/severe anxiety and depression (more, the agitation). He was nervy all the time , worrying about his scholarship application , his mother’s wellbeing or the “haunting”/recurring medical bills. Everyday in school, he staggered around like a zombie with tormented soul. Peers started to isolate him as they thought he/Aaron was suffering from paranoid schizophrenia— the symptoms of which might have been attributed (subscribed) to his abnormal conditions. Being skeptical about people around him, his cadaverous face has shown (the) delusion towards the rest. He tended to connect things happening to fate and all of that has made him highly-strung. That is why there was a (one) time when he really ruptured his tensed nerve and that stopped him from striving for his mum and, his life.


    thank you so much..
    It is a well-worded text with little left for correction. I have only made some minor modification suggesting deletion of a few words in brackets and certain alternative words in red.

  3. #3
    lq5918 is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: can pls help me edit my paragraph..thank you

    thank you very much for all your corrections and editing.

    i apreciate that. they r all good suggestions to me. thank you

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