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  1. #1
    nerak71 is offline Newbie
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    Default A mom going to college needs help proofreading her essay...THANK YOU!!

    The Dream Becomes Reality


    I have always had dreams that relate to the betterment of the human race. Whenever my mom would talk about me with others, she would always say same thing, “Karen has been trying to save the world since she was five.” Saving the world may be a stretch, but impacting the lives of those around me is not.

    I began having an unrelenting urge to mentor adolescent girls when I was just a girl myself. At the time, I didn’t realize that the actions that I was taking were that of mentorship, but as an adult I now understand. I just couldn’t be fulfilled in my own life without helping the girl who was sexually abused, helping the girl who didn’t have her father in her life or simply trying to help someone with a homework assignment.

    I know that society has come a long way in regards to a woman’s worth, but we have so much farther to go. I am a thirty seven year old married mother of two small children and I lost a great job opportunity to a twenty five year old single man. Always looking to better myself, I asked the manager if he could provide me with any constructive criticism
    In reference to my resume’ or interview skills that may benefit me in the future. I was told that I didn’t receive the job because I had children and the other applicant did not. The other applicant wasn’t awarded the position on merit, but rather his personal status. I was silent from shock. Another door slammed in my face only fueled my perseverance.

    My vision encompasses many things, but the core of that is empowerment to women. I have made a difference in each company that I have been employed with, but there always seems to be a false boundary that I am unable to cross. The opportunity of an education, both academically as well as personally, with CU is what I have been searching for. While earning my Bachelor’s Degree, I will acquire the tools needed to see my vision come to complete fruition.

    I am a woman with vision, purpose and passion. Every person on this planet can make a difference should their heart desire and mine does. I have a 4-year-old daughter who is now my driving force for change. I must show her that she can do anything and be anything that she desires, as well as helping her to cultivate an excellent character. My belief is that we, as women ourselves, have a responsibility to the female youth in our community whether it be something as simple as holding a hand through a difficult time or making sure that she knows she dreams can become reality.


  2. #2
    dragn is offline Member
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    Default Re: A mom going to college needs help proofreading her essay...THANK YOU!!

    1. I know that society has come a long way in regards to a woman’s worth, but we have so much farther to go.

    At the risk of coming across like a grammar Nazi, I would tend to use further here. It's a gray area and I'm not saying you're wrong, but it tends to make English teachers and other academic types happy when you restrict the use of farther to physical distance.

    * * *

    2.
    I am a thirty seven year old married mother of two small children and I lost a great job opportunity to a twenty five year old single man.

    Hyphens are required...a thirty-seven-year-old mother and a twenty-five-year-old single man.

    * * *

    3.
    Always looking to better myself, I asked the manager if he could provide me with any constructive criticism
    In reference to my resume’ or interview skills that may benefit me in the future.

    Possibly just a typo, but it seems you're trying to start a new sentence where none should be started. Also, I suggest you don't write the word as resume'...it's not an apostrophe, and it looks sloppy in my humble opinion. Write the accent marks correctly, or do not write them at all (which is increasingly common with this word today anyway). It's résumé or resume (or even resumé in the UK). In case you're not sure, if you're typing a document on your computer and want to produce an accent aigu (that's what they call the e with the accent mark rising from left to right), just type the following six characters: & # 2 3 3 ; (with no spaces in between them).

    So, how about "
    Always looking to better myself, I asked the manager if he could provide me with any constructive criticism in reference to my résumé or interview skills that may benefit me in the future."

    * * *

    4.
    I was told that I didn’t receive the job because I had children and the other applicant did not. The other applicant wasn’t awarded the position on merit, but rather his personal status.

    There's nothing wrong here, and I'm not saying you really need to change this; however, it gives me an excuse to remind you of something. Be conscious of using the passive voice when it's not strictly needed. It's like weeds in your garden. You use it once here; you use it once there; next thing you know everything is being done but nobody is actually doing anything. Writing is a bit like making a movie: Lights...Camera...Action!

    * * *

    5.
    I was silent from shock.

    I tried sitting on my hands, but to no avail. How about "I was thunderstruck."

    Or better yet, "I was dumbstruck."


    * * *

    6.
    I have made a difference in each company that I have been employed with...

    I think "...in each company where I have been employed" is a little easier on the eyes.

    * * *

    7.
    ...but there always seems to be a false boundary that I am unable to cross.

    If you don't want to say "glass ceiling" (and who can blame you), how about "an invisible barrier."

    * * *

    8. The opportunity of an education, both academically as well as personally, with CU is what I have been searching for.

    How about "the opportunity of receiving an education"? Also, I would suggest not using the abbreviation CU here. This is too important to get casual. Write it out in full...every single time.

    9. Every person on this planet can make a difference should their heart desire and mine does.

    The phrase "should their heart desire" really goes c-l-u-n-k big time because the noun phrase "heart's desire" invariably leaps to mind and gets in the way. Rephrase this. Maybe "...if their heart is set on it, and mine is" or something like that.

    * * *

    10.
    ...as well as helping her to cultivate an excellent character

    This is picky (and it's certainly not wrong), but I would make character uncountable here, and omit the article an.

    * * *

    11.My belief is that we, as women ourselves, have a responsibility to the female youth in our community whether it be something as simple as holding a hand through a difficult time or making sure that she knows she dreams can become reality.

    If it were me, I would delete the "ourselves" here. Also, you probably meant to write "her dreams can become reality."

    Overall, it's pretty good. Maybe one more minor coat of polish and I think you're there.

    Good luck!

    Greg

    Last edited by dragn; 02-Aug-2009 at 07:26.

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