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  1. #1
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    Hockey and its motherland

    I've just written a small story about hockey, Canada and Russia. Could you polish it up please? I haven't yet written the end so don't be very critical, will you?

    Hockey and Its Motherland

    In this small story (I failed to think of a better word) I would like to tell you about ice hockey and its motherland.
    Hockey came into being at the beginning of the 20th century and immediately became very popular. The motherland of hockey is considered to be Canada. If you look at the results got (it seems to me that it'd be better if I used the word 'shown' here) by the Canadian national team you will have no doubt that it was the Canadians who invented ice hockey (...all your doubts about whether it was the Canadians who invented hockey will be dispelled.)
    The Canadian team was considered an odds-on favourite at all major tournaments held both in Canada and all over the world.
    The Canadian hegemony had lasted up to the moment when the USSR was allowed to take part in the Olympic Games in 1956. Since then the Canadian team had stopped being considered an overwhelming favourite.
    The Soviet hegemony had lasted up to the collapse of the USSR in 1991 when owing to the economic collapse the development of hockey stopped.
    Due to the lock-out in NHL Russian hockey is now developing again as a lot of the NHL stars (both Russians and foreigners) transferred to the Russian Championship.

    Frankly, I'm more interested in grammar mistakes. To tell you the truth, I don't really know the ice hockey came into being, so don't pay much attention to such mistakes.

  2. #2
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Re: Hockey and its motherland

    Small story- short story- this is the natural name, but this isn't a story, so say 'in this article/piece'
    How about- If you look at the results of the Canadian national team
    you will have no doubt that it was the Canadians who invented ice hockey (...all your doubts about whether it was the Canadians who invented hockey will be dispelled.) I'd use the second here.
    an odds-on favourite - the odds-on favourite
    Since then the Canadian team has stopped

    an overwhelming favourite- the overwhelming favourite

    The Soviet hegemony had lasted up - The Soviet hegemony lasted up

    Due to the lock-out in NHL Russian hockey- Due to the lock-out in NHL, Russian hockey


  3. #3
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    Re: Hockey and its motherland

    First, I want to thank you for your corrections. They were of real help to me. Second, I still have some questions about your and my sentences. Here they are.

    I didn't really know that I should use a definite article with the word favourite. Does it mean I should say: the red-hot, hot, firm favourite - in the same way?

    Since then the Canadian team has stopped... I'm somewhat confused about using the Present Perfect here because using this tense here you mean that the Canadian team is not the odds-on favourite now, either, though I wrote in my piece that the Soviet hegemony stopped in middle 1991. Rather confusing, I guess

    Due to the lock-out in NHL Russian hockey- Due to the lock-out in NHL, Russian hockey
    Is there any difference between these two sentences? The only thing I can see is that you put a comma after the abbreviation 'NHL'. I'm right, aren't I?

  4. #4
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Re: Hockey and its motherland

    Here, favourite is the term used in betting and there's only one, hence the article. If the Candians are back up to the top, then change 'since then' to 'after that' because 'since' carries on to the present.

  5. #5
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    Re: Hockey and its motherland

    I do not like the term motherland in this context. Too pompous. TDol what are your thoughts? Home, origin ... ?

  6. #6
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    Re: Hockey and its motherland

    Right, so this piece should look:


    Hockey and Its Motherland (Home)

    In this small piece I would like to tell you about ice hockey and its motherland.
    Hockey came into being at the beginning of the 20th century and immediately became very popular. The motherland of hockey is considered to be Canada. If you look at the results of the Canadian national team, all your doubts about whether it was the Canadians who invented hockey will be dispelled.
    The Canadian team was considered the odds-on favourite at all major tournaments held both in Canada and all over the world.
    The Canadian hegemony had lasted up to the moment when the USSR was allowed to take part in the Olympic Games in 1956. After that the Canadian team stopped being considered the overwhelming favourite.
    The Soviet hegemony lasted up to the collapse of the USSR in 1991 when owing to the economic collapse the development of hockey stopped.
    Due to the lock-out in NHL, Russian hockey is now developing again as a lot of the NHL stars (both Russians and foreigners) transferred to the Russian Championship.

  7. #7
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    Re: Hockey and its motherland

    Quote Originally Posted by Flash
    Right, so this piece should look:


    Hockey and Its Motherland (Home)

    In this small piece I would like to tell you about ice hockey and its motherland.
    Hockey came into being at the beginning of the 20th century and immediately became very popular. The motherland of hockey is considered to be Canada. If you look at the results of the Canadian national team, all your doubts about whether it was the Canadians who invented hockey will be dispelled.
    The Canadian team was considered the odds-on favourite at all major tournaments held both in Canada and all over the world.
    The Canadian hegemony had lasted up to the moment when the USSR was allowed to take part in the Olympic Games in 1956. After that the Canadian team stopped being considered the overwhelming favourite.
    The Soviet hegemony lasted up to the collapse of the USSR in 1991 when owing to the economic collapse the development of hockey stopped.
    Due to the lock-out in NHL, Russian hockey is now developing again as a lot of the NHL stars (both Russians and foreigners) transferred to the Russian Championship.
    came/became - rephrase
    considered/considered - rephrase
    both - duplication
    hegemony - domination of one state over the other
    owing to - fluffy
    Russion Championship - you cannot transfer to a championship

  8. #8
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    Re: Hockey and its motherland

    I don't get the point of re-phrasing so many sentences.

    As far as I know you can normally say 'come into being' to mean that something started to exist some time ago. What's wrong with this expression in the fisrt sentence?
    -How do you think the world came into being?

    become popular
    What's wrong here? A couple of very simple sentences:
    -I became poplar at the age of 4.
    -He's becoming more and more popular these days.

    Can you explain to me why this expression doesn't work in my sentence?

    consider
    Well, I don't really know with what word I can replace the verb 'consider' in "The motherland of hockey is considered to be Canada". I might just leave it out.
    In the second sentence (where I used this verb) I might substitute 'consider' for 'regard as'. The best I can come up with is that I might say 'they always looked the odds-on favourite'.

    owing to - why is it fluffy? due to? I read somewhere that it' technically incorrect to put 'due to' at the beginning of a sentence, though English people are careless about this.

    tranfer to a championship
    I concur with you that you cannot transfer to a championship but let it be a little bit figurative, will you?

  9. #9
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    Re: Hockey and its motherland

    Quote Originally Posted by Flash
    I don't get the point of re-phrasing so many sentences.

    As far as I know you can normally say 'come into being' to mean that something started to exist some time ago. What's wrong with this expression in the fisrt sentence?
    -How do you think the world came into being?
    Let's not discuss Darwin's Theory. 1) You use varieties of come frequently. 2) It does not say anything. What happened?

    become popular
    What's wrong here? A couple of very simple sentences:
    -I became poplar at the age of 4.
    -He's becoming more and more popular these days.
    You repeat come/become. Read the essay aloud and listen to how it flows.

    Can you explain to me why this expression doesn't work in my sentence?

    consider
    Well, I don't really know with what word I can replace the verb 'consider' in "The motherland of hockey is considered to be Canada". I might just leave it out.
    In the second sentence (where I used this verb) I might substitute 'consider' for 'regard as'. The best I can come up with is that I might say 'they always looked the odds-on favourite'.
    Again - you limit your usage of words.

    owing to - why is it fluffy? due to? I read somewhere that it' technically incorrect to put 'due to' at the beginning of a sentence, though English people are careless about this.
    Be precise, do not use fillers - why did the Russians get back into the game?


    tranfer to a championship
    I concur with you that you cannot transfer to a championship but let it be a little bit figurative, will you?
    I totally disagree with you here. There is a difference between indulging in figurative speech and something incorrect. They may have transferred to the Russian League but not to the championship. The championship may be transferred. For example a champion team gets stripped off it for violations.
    Smile - you should go to a professional game. Players and spectators are worth watching.

  10. #10
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    Re: Hockey and its motherland

    Let's not discuss Darwin's Theory. 1) You use varieties of come frequently. 2) It does not say anything. What happened?
    What says nothing? You know, I'm utterly confused now because I don't know what I can say instead of "come into being". Perhaps, Hockey originated at the beginning... Do you like this change?

    You repeat come/become. Read the essay aloud and listen to how it flows.
    Frankly, I have failed to find a single sentence containing these verbs. Perhaps, you'll help me find one.

    Again - you limit your usage of words.
    You say that I limit my usage of the words but you haven't offered me any credible alternative yet. I asked you if I could use such verbs as 'regard as' and 'look' in this sentence but I have received no answer so far. Perhaps, it's easy for you to think of an alternative to all these things but it's not easy for me.

    Be precise, do not use fillers - why did the Russians get back into the game?
    According to my piece, the Russians got back into the game in 2004. I still can't get what I should do with 'owing to'?

    I totally disagree with you here. There is a difference between indulging in figurative speech and something incorrect. They may have transferred to the Russian League but not to the championship. The championship may be transferred. For example a champion team gets stripped off it for violations.

    Frankly speaking, it seems strange to me that one can transfer to a league but cannot transfer to a championship. In my first language these things are pretty close, so I can't get it. It's difficult for a non-English to grasp all the nuances of meaning.

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