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  1. #1
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    Default How to make more money?

    Hello, teachers, could you help amend below essay, thanks.

    How to make more money?
    I think nobody hate more money, because we make money for our life, more money, more interested life, because some interesting taste need money support. At present society, on a certain extent, we evaluate somebody’s success according to how much money they have. So, we need more money, but how to make more money? Different people have different ways.
    With an economic theory, we can divide people into four quadrants, the people in the first quadrant have a job, they have to work hard for other people and make a less money, such as construction workers, etc; the people in the second quadrant has a good job with a high pay, such as doctors; the third quadrant is full of the people who have their own business but they have to run the business by themselves; and the people in the last quadrant have their business, but they do not need to run the enterprise by themselves, they purchase the other’s talent to help them.
    Which quadrant do you want to be in? Assuming we want to be in the second quadrant, in the quadrant, we make our effort to be an expert, and the people in forth quadrant by our time and skill, how much money can we make depends on the skills, attitude and time. So, we need to be expert in our field, then we can meet the requirements, it is the first value of our ability. Attitude is also very important, because we should show the other our ability, good show is always going with good attitude. I think we can make more money in this quadrant with good skills and attitude, it is just time.
    With these thinking, we can expand this theory to the other quadrants, to be an expert and to have a good attitude can help you.

  2. #2
    Lady Hawk is offline Member
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    Default Re: How to make more money?

    Quote Originally Posted by wuwei View Post
    Hello, teachers, could you help amend below essay, thanks.

    How to make more money?
    I think nobody hate more money, because we make money for our life, more money, more interested life, because some interesting taste need money support. At present society, on a certain extent, we evaluate somebodyís success according to how much money they have. So, we need more money, but how to make more money? Different people have different ways.
    With an economic theory, we can divide people into four quadrants, the people in the first quadrant have a job, they have to work hard for other people and make a less money, such as construction workers, etc; the people in the second quadrant has a good job with a high pay, such as doctors; the third quadrant is full of the people who have their own business but they have to run the business by themselves; and the people in the last quadrant have their business, but they do not need to run the enterprise by themselves, they purchase the otherís talent to help them.
    Which quadrant do you want to be in? Assuming we want to be in the second quadrant, in the quadrant, we make our effort to be an expert, and the people in forth quadrant by our time and skill, how much money can we make depends on the skills, attitude and time. So, we need to be expert in our field, then we can meet the requirements, it is the first value of our ability. Attitude is also very important, because we should show the other our ability, good show is always going with good attitude. I think we can make more money in this quadrant with good skills and attitude, it is just time.
    With these thinking, we can expand this theory to the other quadrants, to be an expert and to have a good attitude can help you.
    You open up with "How to make more money?" but your essay is nothing about making money. If you stay with your essay, then you must rethink your title. The information you provide regarding economic quadrants is an interesting approach, but is vague and lacks detail. For instance, almost everyone falls into the first quadrant because we all work for somebody. I think you may have to define the quadrant by yearly income. A construction worker certainly makes much more than someone who works flipping hamburgers, or as a custodian. Also, the third quadrant of those who run/manage their own businesses may not make more than a construction worker. Also, you mention that different people have different ways, but they are never discussed.

    Another question you may consider is whether or not money truly means success. And, does more money bring happiness? Not to mention the fact that many within a particular quadrant may not want to move into another quadrant.

    There's a significant difference between your introductory and summary paragraph and your body paragraphs. The introduction and summary reveal your weaknesses with the English language. The body paragraphs evidence your mimicking written text from somewhere else. Your level of language must be consistent throughout your essay.

    Writing consists of re-writing and more re-writing. Go back and rewrite again taking my advice into consideration. Resubmit and let's see where you are.

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