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  1. #1
    Q.trang is offline Newbie
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    Talking Please give me some comments about my "stress" essay!!!

    Hi everyone.
    Please give me some comments about my essay.
    Thank you so much.

    Topic: The effects of stress on you. Focus by limiting to a specific situation.


    When I was admitted into university, many people congratulated and tell me that student time is the most exhilarating time in life. And there was no doubt that I have been excited to make friends and get familiar with new school. However, sometimes when I stayed among a lot of absolutely strange people, I felt so lonely and wanted to be back to my high school. Besides that, the university environment with new studying method came as a shock to me. Therefore, it is not surprising that I was being stressed out. Now, when I look back that time, I can see many effects of pressure on my life, including negative and positive points.
    First, when people mention stress, they usually think about some things which deteriorate and eat away our health and happiness. Certainly, things can easily go wrong when people are under pressure. For me, I had been scared of going out, especially going to university. At that time, I seemed to live as a machine with the exactly schedule between my house and university. It was easy for me to get angry; I assumed that I took myself segregated to other people. In addition to that, the studying in university is very different from high school, so it can lead me to the more serious pressure. I cannot concentrate to lessons and was passive in acquiring knowledge. So, in some first tests, I had bad marks. Therefore, it will be reasonable to say that stress make me a mess in relations and studying.
    Luckily, that time was over, I have some new friends and really get on well with them but studying with many essays, assignments, presentations in a competitive environment still have put pressure on me. However, it seems to be unbelievable to say that in this way, stress has positive influence on me. When the deadline of exercises is coming, stress can motivate my ideas and make me focus on my working. I will take micro economics as a good example. Last semester, I had finished the assignment of this subject just 2 hours before handing in to my teacher. And I strongly state that the last night before the deadline was the most efficient working night. Moreover, this stressful night also alerted me about my studying method had errors and I needed to change. Besides that, the pressure in studying environment is directly related to my performance. It enhanced my determination and demands my attention to studying in order to catch up with my classmates.
    To sum up, I think stress has both negative and positive effects on me. Sometimes, it makes me nervous and exhausted. On the other way, stress helps me to make some necessary changes in my life. So I accept it as a natural part which likes a challenge which pushes me to change, to fight, to adapt and to grow.

  2. #2
    Ann1977 is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: Please give me some comments about my "stress" essay!!!

    I thought this essay was excellent in its organization and its selection of apt examples, with just enough detail to let the reader understand your points.
    ~~~~~~~

    When I was admitted into university, many people congratulated and tell me that student time is the most exhilarating time in life.
    When I was admitted into University, everyone congratulated me and assured me that college would be the most exhilarating time of my life.

    And there was no doubt that I have been excited to make friends and get familiar with new school.
    And there is no doubt that I was excited about going to a new school and making new friends.

    However, sometimes when I stayed among a lot of absolutely strange people, I felt so lonely and wanted to be back to my high school.
    Still, being surrounded by no one but strangers sometimes made me so lonely that I longed to be back at my high school.

    Besides that, the university environment with new studying method came as a shock to me.
    And the academic demands of the University shocked me.

    Therefore, it is not surprising that I was being stressed out.
    So it's not surprising that I was stressed.

    Now, when I look back that time, I can see many effects of pressure on my life, including negative and positive points.
    Looking back at that time, I can recognize many effects -- both positive and negative -- of this pressure.


    First, when people mention stress, they usually think about some things which deteriorate and eat away our health and happiness. Certainly, things can easily go wrong when people are under pressure.
    When people think of stress, they usually think of the attendant deterioration of health and the consequent erosion of happiness, and certainly things can easily go wrong when people are under undue pressure.

    For me, I had been scared of going out, especially going to university. At that time, I seemed to live as a machine with the exactly schedule between my house and university.
    In my case, I became afraid of going out -- especially to go to school. I had to operate like a machine, following an exact schedule between my house and the university.

    It was easy for me to get angry; I assumed that I took myself segregated to other people.
    I got angry easily; (DEAR STUDENT: I can't tell what the rest of this sentence means)

    In addition to that, the studying in university is very different from high school, so it can lead me to the more serious pressure.
    I also felt a lot of pressure because studying in college is so different from studying in high school.

    I cannot concentrate to lessons and was passive in acquiring knowledge.
    I couldn't concentrate enough to study properly, so I became passive about learning.

    So, in some first tests, I had bad marks.
    As a result, I got bad marks on some of my first tests.

    Therefore, it will be reasonable to say that stress make me a mess in relations and studying.
    So it is reasonable to say that -- at least in terms of my relationships and my academics -- stress made a mess out of me.


    Luckily, that time was over,

    Luckily, that time is over.

    I have some new friends and really get on well with them
    I've made new friends, and we get on well together.

    but studying with many essays, assignments, presentations in a competitive environment still have put pressure on me.
    It's true that my numerous academic demands -- studying, essay-writing, finishing assignments, and preparing presentations -- still put a lot of pressure on me.

    However, it seems to be unbelievable to say that in this way, stress has positive influence on me.
    But some of this stress has actually been positive.

    When the deadline of exercises is coming, stress can motivate my ideas and make me focus on my working.
    With a deadline approaching, stress motivates me, sparks my ideas, and focuses my mind.

    I will take micro economics as a good example. Last semester, I had finished the assignment of this subject just 2 hours before handing in to my teacher. And I strongly state that the last night before the deadline was the most efficient working night.
    For example, last semester I finished an assignment in microeconomics just two hours before I handed it in -- and I think that overnight period was my most efficient work session ever.

    Moreover, this stressful night also alerted me about my studying method had errors and I needed to change.
    Moreover, that stressful night alerted me to previously-unrecognized errors in my studying methods that I needed to amend.

    Besides that, the pressure in studying environment is directly related to my performance.
    Besides that, it seems to me that pressure in studying improves my performance.

    It enhanced my determination and demands my attention to studying in order to catch up with my classmates.
    It enhances my determination and focuses my attention; it motivates me to keep up with my classmates.


    To sum up, I think stress has both negative and positive effects on me.
    All in all, stress has both negative and positive effects on me.

    Sometimes, it makes me nervous and exhausted.
    Under some circumstances it makes me nervous and exhausted, and undermines my ability to perform.

    On the other way, stress helps me to make some necessary changes in my life.
    But other times it enhances my performance and guides me to desirable changes.

    So I accept it as a natural part which likes a challenge which pushes me to change, to fight, to adapt and to grow.
    So I accept stress as a natural and inevitable part of living. Responding well to pressure is what makes me like a challenge, and it is pressure that pushes me to change, to adapt, to fight, and to grow.
    ~~~~~~~~~~

    DEAR STUDENT:

    This is a fine essay.

    Best wishes in your studies.
    Last edited by Ann1977; 10-Sep-2009 at 02:57.

  3. #3
    Q.trang is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Please give me some comments about my "stress" essay!!!

    Dear Sir,

    Thanks for your comment. I am just confused some points.

    - If we use "so" instead of "therefore", will the essay be less formal ?

    And " I assumed that I took myself segregated to other people" __ I mean I myself kept a distance from other classmates.

    Please help me to make this sentence easier to understand.

    Thanks :)

  4. #4
    Ann1977 is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: Please give me some comments about my "stress" essay!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by Q.trang View Post
    Dear Sir,

    Thanks for your comment. I am just confused some points.

    - If we use "so" instead of "therefore", will the essay be less formal ?
    Well, "so" is certainly more conversational.

    It is not exactly that "therefore" is more formal; it is that "therefore" is more limited in its meaning.

    Using "therefore" suggests that the sentence will be the sole and inexorable conclusion of a series of logic premises:
    A) All men are mortal
    B) Socrates is a man.
    C) Therefore, Socrates is mortal.

    It did not seem to me that the preceding remarks had enough of the quality of "inexorably leading to only one conclusion" to warrant the use of "therefore." Therefore I wanted to "loosen up" the conclusion word to a more general "so" -- meaning, not "thus inevitably," but "as a result" or "in consequence."

    Using "As a result" in place of "So" would work perfectly. Using "In consequence" would make the sentence somewhat more formal (or even stuffy) because of the longer word.



    Quote Originally Posted by Q.trang View Post
    And " I assumed that I took myself segregated to other people" __ I mean I myself kept a distance from other classmates.

    Please help me to make this sentence easier to understand.

    It was easy for me to get angry; I assumed that I took myself segregated to other people.

    I got angry too easily, and I kept myself at a distance from my classmates.
    I was always angry, and I had trouble trying to make friends.
    I was too angry all the time to get close to any of my classmates.

    DEAR STUDENT:
    The difficulty here lies in capturing the exact tone and color of your emotions at the time. I can only guess.

    ~ Ann

  5. #5
    Q.trang is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Please give me some comments about my "stress" essay!!!

    I think I should write "I got angry too easily, and I kept myself at a distance from my classmates" - the original thought in my mind instead of making it more complicated.

    Your explaination about So and Therefore is very helpful to me.

    Thank you :)

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